what a wonderful world

the silent garage

2006-05-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

There's this one parking garage in portland, right next to the fox tower, and it is the creepiest parking garage on earth, especially at night. They have some sort of insulation covering the ceiling and it deadens all the noise in there. So unlike most parking garages, there are no echos, you can't hear other cars driving around, and it's just eeri (sp?) Oh and it doesn't help that there was aboslutly no one around in the garage, and it was hard to find the elevator. We went to the one door that said exit, and it took us down this weird hallway, to a stair well, which took us to another weird hallway, with weird doors that were unmarked, and it just didnt' feel right, we had no idea where we were going or where this hallway was leading us, so we finally turned back. I know it kind of sounds like a dream with these strage hallways and silent parking garage, but it wasn't. You woudln't think that a quiet parking garage would be that weird and creepy, but it really is. I felt like I was in some sort of scary movie, and the killer was hiding just waiting for me to try to get in my car. I think the weirdest part was that when you walk there is no echo. You get accustomed to the echo of a parking garage; you slam your door and it makes a huge noise, you walk and every foot step echos, even the ding of the elevator makes a noise, but not in this garage. Everything was muffled and silenced, no echos what so ever. Usually you don't really think about the sound of a parking garage, because it's such a natural sound to most of us, but you know when it's not there, it really makes a difference. It's kind of wierd how sometimes the only way you notice something is through its absense.

wait, just listen

2006-04-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

A lot of the times people suprise you. But I think the only reason we're suprised is being we don't pay attention to the small details. I don't know how many times I've heard people say, what? They're friends??? And sometimes it doesn't make sense, but a lot of the time it does, we just don't see it. I think a lot of people make unexpected friends and aquaintences by listening. Everyone from time to time just needs someone to listen to them, and someone who can relate to what they're going through. It's all about meeting the right person at the right time, if they just so happen to be able to lend an ear at that moment, and you just so happen to have something to say then even if it doesn't last a bond will be formed. You'd be amazed how much people appriciate just having someone who will listen to them once in a while, at least I know I do. but honestly sometimes people just need to say things, and it's not that they want advise, or judgemnt, or criticism, sometimes they just need to tell someone, and that's why sometimes we just need to listen. I think this is the hardest thing in the world for most of us, because face it we love talking about our selves, and most of the time if it doesn't involve us we're not interested. Even if we are interested a lot of the time people aren't acctually listening they're just waiting for their chance to talk. There are certain people have the ability to take any conversation and turn it around make it about them (heck, I think we're all guilty of doing this at least once). But sometimes we need to just listen. There is nothing more frustraiting than trying to talk to someone about a serious subject and having them mid conversation change the subject to something that's more directly related to them. Think about it this way, if someone takes the time to confide in your, obviously they think it's important, and it would be nice if we could just take 2 minutes out of our day, and completely forget about our selves, and focus on someone else, and what they're saying and what it means. If we take the time to do this for others, maybe when we need someone to talk to they'll return the favor and listen to you for a while.

CALIFORNIA, HERE I COOOOOMMMMMEEE!

2006-04-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

I swear, I leave for four days, and the world goes crazy! So much happened in such a short time while I was gone, it is insane! so much in gerneral has been happening over the last week acctually that it's amazing. As of right now, I am a certified life gaurd, I'm trained in CPR, first aid, and basically I'm a proffessional life saver. lol, but seriously. Also I am offically going to college, and this time next year I will be in the sunny state of California. that's right I mailed in my letter telling LMU that I would be attending their school next year. It's so crazy how much went into that one decision, and I really thought in the end it would be an easier decision. I always assumed that the answer would just appear and everything would be really obvious, but it wasn't at all; it was such a hard decision, and I was so worried that I would make the wrong one. But now that I've mailed it in, I really feel that I've made the right decision, and there's no turing back; no regrets. Also I found out this week that I got the job at Victoria's Secret! WHOO HOO! that's exciting, and since I passed the life gaurd class at Hawthorn I'm pretty much garenteed a job there as well, so pretty much I have two freaking awsome jobs for this summer. Hopefully that means I'll make bank and have a good time doing it, I'm pumped! what else.... oh yeah I got a prom dress, which is really exciting because I was getting afraid that I'd never find one and that I'd end up settling for something I didn't really like that much, but I walked in, and it was the second dress I tried on, and that was that, I bought it, and it's rad, and I'm really happy with it; yay for run on sentences with and after every common. ha. and now I'm going to go walk my dog because he's fat and it's sunny, good day.

I look to the horizon and see the future.

2006-04-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

I can feel graduation and summer and college getting closer, it's almost here, and it is so exciting. At first I was feeling nervous about college, thinking, what if I get homesick? or what if I don't like it, but all those fears have been put to rest over the last weekend. On saturday I flew down to LA to check out LMU, and it made me want to go to college so badly. I loved it, the campus was beautiful, it was sunny, and you can look out over the city on one side and the ocean on the other. Now I really want to go to LMU, but I know I have to wait till next week when I go and see Bard and Hampshire, because of course everything is going to look amazing, since I haven't really seen any of it. But just the idea of California is really appealing to me, it's far, and yet not too far, if I had to I could drive, and a plane ticket isn't as much, and it's close enough that if people wanted they could come and visit me. Also it's sunny, and beautiful, they have an amazing dance program, the dorms are really nice, the food is decent, and everyone who goes there seems to really love it and have found a nitch. Just out of the few people I met there this weekend I felt totally at ease, and welcomed, it was wonderful. But who knows maybe when I go and see these other schools I'll find something even better, or I'll just fall in love with my surroundings, or who knows, I could still very well end up on the east coast. The only thing about the east coast is that it's a little daunting. It is so very far away, and so cold in the winter. Plus it's just a very different society than I'm used to, the east coast is very propper, where as west coast is super laid back, and the east coast just seems a lot less welcoming, it seems a lot bigger and badder, and like if you stubmle they won't help you, but rather you will be trampled, and left in the dust. But of course this is all specualtion, I can't say anything for sure until I acctually go and see it for myself.
It was so crazy, when I went down to LMU I went with their asian pacific islander group thing, and I met so many people who just knew so much about their culture, and just had such a different perspective on things. Like here in hillsboro at least at Glencoe we have all of like 20 asain people, and the majority of them are extremly americanized. I mean I really don't even feel asain most of the time, well, I do, but at the same time I don't, I don't really know how to explain it. it's kind of like all the ethnicity at our school is people who's skin is a different color, and they were just thrown into the mix and told to blend in. So it was very interesting to me to find people who not only embraced their difference and their culture but knew so much about it. I mean glencoe has a japanese club, but really it's a bunch of nerdy white boys who like anime... okay so I know that's a sweaping generalization, but it's so I can make a point. I met people who everyone at their school was asain, or not only did they have a japanese club, but a philipino club as well, and they didn't just meet and play video games, but they leanred their culture's traditional dances, and I guess all sorts of schools do this, because people from different schools all knew about this kind of stuff. It was just very interesting, and very different. I think the only other time I've been in a room with so many people with brown/black hair and brown eyes was in japan. I guess the most interesting part was just to meet so many people who were like me. I mean that's not to say that everyone was like me, quite the contrary, many of them I would consier much more asain that I have ever been or ever will be, but there were definitely people who I could relate to. Overall I'd just have to say it was quite intersting, and I know i've used that word a million times but I really can't think of any other way to describe it. Bottom line, i met a lot of cool people.
But now seeing at least one college that I know would be a good fit, all my worries and uncertainties about college have gone by the way side, at least for a while. I really am very exctined, and know that this will be a good move for me.
I think it would be neat to go and get "cultured." because I'll be in bigger cities (well maybe, amherst I don't think is that big) I know that fashion will be a lot more prevelant than it is here, and I've always wanted to be one of those people who just has a pretty high fashion look. Not too high fashion, there are definitely people who take it too far, and just wear weird stuff, but I would like to come back with a classy sense of style. I mean I guess I can dress up and look nice sometimes, but I would like to look like I'm wearing a more complete outfit more of the time. A lot of time the time I just feel kind of, not messy, but very relaxed, which isn't a bad thing, but moccasin's, jeans and a t-shirt, it's just not really that classy. I duno, a lot of the time I want to look one way, but at the same time, it's like, what?? I don't care that much. w/e I know that I could do it, because I know that it's all about owning it. It's the poeple who are like, i duno how I look, is this weird? I'm not sure this isn't me. those are the people who look akward in things, and it's the people who are like, shhha, yeah I can pull this off, that do. It's all about confidence.
I don't really know how I got on that topic, but anways, it looks like I may very well get a job soon. the vitoria's secret's job looks good, as does the hawthorn farms one, it would be good if i could get both. It's crazy how fast things are happening. My life right now is happening, things are moving, and changing, and shifting, and growing, and it is good, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

I had it all wrong.

2006-04-04T21:23:00.000-07:00

it's been a while, but it's not because I've ran out of thoughts or opinions, oh no! quite the contrary, I've just been so busy it's hard to find time to do anything lately. But the other day I realized that all this time I've been saying that change is scary and it's frustraiting and yada yada yada... when really it's not change at all, it's complacency. I see now that I keep complaining that I find a nitch and it feels good and then all too soon things change, when really it was that I'd find a place I like, but when things stay the same for too long they get stale. Because really it's when I've been in the same place for a while that I always seem to get unhappy, and I always say it's the people and places and sittuations around me chaning, when really it's their lack of change that is bothering me. Everything loses its fun when it's completely predictable. It was so obvious I'd complaing about everythign chaning one moment and the next I would complain about being stuck in a rut, and now I realize that it was the same thing the whole time. There was no change and that's why I was bored and frustraited. This is just one of the many reasons I'm excited for college, I know it's going to be a big change, which will take some getting used to, but hey at the same time it'll be an adventure, and it'll be new and exciting!

stressed out, dissapointed, just generally a little down

2006-03-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

So today kind of sucked. And not only today, there has been a build up of sucky-ness over the past couple weeks, and it's reaching a climax (or at least I hope so, cuz that means it's only going to get better right?) Anyways, it's not like today was terrible, it was just kind of blah, and there were a couple of things that really kind of got me down. First I got yelled at, and it sucks to get yelled at, I feel like a little kid, and honestly I don't mean to do things to piss people off, so it just kind of sucks when you accidently do. It was our first track meet today, and it was kind of stressful, I had no idea what was going on the whole time, and I was just hoping that I was in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing, and trying to stay out of people's ways the whole time. And it will probablly get a lot more fun when I know what I'm doing, but I just hate the feeling of being lost, and not knowing what to do, and having to ask a million questions, becaues I know it gets really old really fast. Then right after that I was taking my sister to dance, and I was already kind of freaking out because of the track meet, and then this freaking bus tries to run me off the road! I'm not even kidding, this lady was ridicoulous. I was in the lane next to her, and the lanes were going to merge, but not for a while, so I sped up and passed her, and then my lane dissapeared, and i was in front of her, but not completely, like the front half of my car was in front of the bus. So naturally you would think that she would know how to yeild, and let me go, because a) it's the law and b) she's driving a freaking bus! it's one thing if there are two cars and this happens, and the other person is being a dick and won't yeild and you drop back because they won't yeild, but a bus is like 6 times as long as a car, so I'd have to like stop my car to let her get in front of me. And I assumed that she would get that the lane dissapeared and let me in, like she was supposed to, but no she didn't. and then the road was getting narrower and narrower and she's still like racing me, trying to speed up to pass me, and she's driving right next to me. And then she starts to run me off the road. NO KIDDING, my sister was there she can vouch for me. She starts pulling into my car, and I just realize that this lady is a freaking crazo, so I stop, because she's baisically got my car pinned against the railing, and I have to stop, because I can't go forward or backward, and so I wave her to go ahead, because that's obviously what she wants, but she turns to me and starts screaming, and like gesturing for me to go ahead. So finally I went, but good god, what a crazy lady. Serioulsy, she should be fired, I had right of way, she didn't let me in, then tried to run me off the road, then had the balls to scream at me, and when I told her to go ahead, she wouldn't. what a freaking crazo! So that jsut added to the stress of the day.
Then the other thing is, I just had my mom write me a check for $248, for AP testing. And I'm just really frustraited by this, because I wasn't planning on taking any of the AP tests, because a) I'm not going to pass a single one b) some of the colleges I applied to don't even accept AP credit and c) that's a freaking A-load of money to be throwing down to have someone tell me I failed a test. But the catch is, all my teachers have decided that if you don't take the test you will be taking a different test instead, in class, that's graded, and I believe that at least one if not two are going to be old AP tests. Oh and if you're taking the test, you automatically get 100% on that test. So in theory, I could go and take the class room test, get a 2, and fail, like I thought I would, and someone could go and get a 1 on the real AP test, and still get 100% on that test. So pretty much if I want to keep decent grades in any of my classes I need to take the AP test. Why does it feel like I'm buying my grade? and shoot why is it so expensive? I'd rather just pay 50 bucks to each teacher, I mean I'd save almost 100 bucks, so I'd be getting a deal, and so would they. It would be one thing if I felt like I was prepared for the tests, if I thought I had a chance of passing I would take the tests no question, but I know I won't. I feel like I have no idea what to expect, and I feel like I haven't gotten any real feedback on the stuff we've done in class. So right now I feel like I'm just taking a shot in the dark, which in my opion is not how you should feel a month and a half before the AP exam. The other thing is that had I known that I was taking the AP exams back in septmeber, I might have prepared differently, maybe hire a tutoror or something. I duno it's just really frustraiting I feel like I'm waisting my parent's money, I'm waisting the college board's time (they're going to have to sit there and grade all these tests) I'm waisting resources; this whole ordeal seems like a huge waist to me. But what am I to do? I'm stuck, they've worked the system so there aren't many other options.
On top of that I feel like no one has any confidence in me. Honestly I feel like most of my teachers just think I'm an air head, and really don't take me seriously. yes I make jokes, and poke fun at the fact that I don't understand some things, but it doesn't mean that I don't want to learn, or that I can't. I'd probablly ask for help more if I thouht I was going to get any. Acctually I just think a lot of people really expect me to fail. Like, I duno, I just feel like I do stuff and people are like, "Oh good job, great try." (pat on the back) but that's not what I want. Because I know I'm not amazing, so they're just saying that because they don't think I have any potential. I mean my dance teacher has told us for years, I could just tell you you're all doing a wonderful job, and continuously praise you, and kiss your feet, and make you feel really good, but then you wouldn't improve, and I'd be waisting your time and money. And that's kind of how I feel. I'd rather have someone tell me what I'm doing wrong, and how to fix it, then to just tell me I'm doing great, and that it's effort that counts. I mean I want to get better at things, so it really frustraits me when I can't get feedback and I no one tells me how to correct things or what I'm doing wrong. And I know that sounds like a little kid, "oh I want you to spoon feed me the answers" but that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying I want to know the correct way to find the answers, and the correct way to do things, and I want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. Obviously if I was perfect I wouldn't have a problem with people telling me I'm doing wonderful, but when I know that I can do better it's frustraiting. I see where I need to go, and I know I could get there, I just need a little guideness in getting from here to there. It just really sucks when people don't have any faith in you.
Oh also I got a rejection letter from Washington U in St. Louis, but I wasn't really expecting to get in there, it was a long shot. Oh well at least I tried. I'm sure most of my teachers now would have told me not even to apply, I bet most of them would be like, oh well you should apply to PSU, and U of O, those would be good schools for you. Ahhh I hate that, it's really degrading. So yeah that's how I feel right now, and I just can't wait for spring break, I just need me time. not that I won't hang out with people, but I need a break from all the noise, all the drama, all the stress. I need time for me to go and work things out, and think and just kind of find me again.

no words.

2006-03-19T21:47:00.000-08:00

I love the fluff of romantic comedies. Some people don't like them because they're stupid and predictable, and completely impossible, but that's okay by me; I like it. Even if it is corny. I wouldn't mind if my life was like that, completely predictable, but really cute and perfect. Would that really be so bad? I don't think so. Everyone would be attractive, and the biggest problem anyone would have would be deciding what they're going to wear to school the next day. Oh and they'd have a million cute outfits to chose from, so many in fact that they wouldn't ever wear the same thing twice. The good guy would get the girl, the bitches would get what they had coming, and in the end everyone ends up happy. ahhh sigh.
unfortunantly life doesn't really work like that. In reality it's usually the skeezy ass kiss who ends up on top, the whores are the ones who get the guy, and nice guys finish last. that may sound a little pessimistic, but it's true. Most of the nice people in this world get walked all over. Our society has made it so we have to constantly ask ourselves should I be a nice guy? Let's look at the benifits of being honest and nice, and good: people respect you, you have a clear conscience, and you know that you're doing the right thing. Now let's look at the cons: you will be walked all over, people will take advantage of your good nature, and people won't feel bad about using you because chances are you will allow them to. Now let's look at the benifits of being the other guy: you get what you want when you want it, you don't have to worry about how other poeple feel, you'll have a lot of fun, and life is a lot more care free. cons: you kind of suck as a person. But now I have to ask which person do I want to be. I've been both people, I'm not gonna lie, I know I've been the second person more than once. And I must admit number two was a lot more fun. Why does our society put us in positions like this? it should be a lot easier to be a nice person right? Maybe it is, maybe I'm just a bad person at heart, and it's hard for me to be nice, because I'm really mean deep down. Maybe.

I got accepted to Hampshire College in MA

2006-03-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

I hate everyone. well no, not everyone, just a good number of people right now. And I guess I don' t really hate them, I'm just really pissed off at them, and don't want to be their friends right now. Can I graduate and move yet?

today can suck it!

2006-03-08T23:15:00.000-08:00

I'm over high school, and all the people that come with it. I can't wait to leave, and finally get away from the majority of the people who go to our school. Today was a bad day, I think I can say it offically sucked. I hate days like today, I'm just glad I'm going to bed and tomorrow I will start anew. Also in less than 3 months I will be done. No more high school. It was fun while it lasted, but I'm done, I am so done it's not even funny. Oh I'd like to give a big shout out right now to gool o'l GLENCOE high school, for what? nothing! I'm going to go to college, and serioulsy I am not prepared at all. Not one bit. and all those people who complain about their classes being hard now, GROW UP! COLLEGE WILL BE A LOT HARDER. I love how it's the people who aren't even taking hard classes who complain too. lol. serioulsy, you're going to go to college and fail. Yes that's right you will fail miserably, because you can't even handle the stupid high school work they give you. if you can't even do a couple worksheets, try writing a paper for a professor. Hey I'm not saying I'm going to go and it's going to be rainbows and hearts, oh no, I know that the moment I get there I will probablly be struggling at the bottom of my class. I just don't see how I am going to be prepared at all, even though I've taken "hard" classes in high school, I know that I'm still going to be blown out of the water, and will spend most of the first year just trying to stay afloat. I just thank God that I'm not a moron, who has waisted my time in gormet foods, and child's worlds, with classes like those that will not prepare me for a damn thing in life. I can't stand idiots, and I'm done. I'm done with them. I should just tune them out from now on. that woudl be great if every time someone who's a complete dip shit talked I could just not even hear them. Unfortunatly that's not how things are, so until I graduate I will grit my teeth, and smile politely.

Exciting times lie ahead

2006-03-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

So I know this isn't thought provoking or anything like that, but what ever, screw that! I got my first out of state acceptance letter the other day! YAY! The letter was from Loyola Marymount University in Los Angles, and I'm not sure if I'll end up going there or not, I guess I'll just have to wait and see which other schools I get accepted to. Not only is this a big deal because it's the first of the colleges I really wanted to go to, but it means for sure that I will not be going to an Oregon school next year. which is kind of sad. But I know this is what I want, and though I love Oregon and all the people here going away for a while is something I need to do for me. It's going to be really hard though, thinking about it, I've grown up with the people around me. Some of the kids I hang out with now I've known since 1st and 2nd grade, crazy huh? And it's not like there are just a few people that I've known a long time, I've known 90% of my friends for 6 years or more, and probablly 40% of them for 10 years or more. It's going to be weird going to a school where I don't know anyone. thinking about leaving all these people I love is making me sad. But I know it's going to be so exciting and I'll have a great time where ever I go. It's not that I hate Oregon or Oregon schools, but so many people stay here, and just never leave, which wouldn't be bad, because I've decided oregon is the best place on earth, but I want to see what else is out there. And I can definitley see myself moving back to oregon after I finish college and get my master's and travel. It was so surreal the other day was the first time I realized I was acctually going away. I was driving my sister and we were talking and then she said, "I'm so excited Wicked is coming in September, I want to go see it so bad." and I replied "I probablly won't be here then." and that's when it hit me. I won't be here with my family, and not just for a couple weeks, like for months, and even when I do come back, it won't be to live, it will be to visit. It was such an odd feeling. It's a terrifying thought to grow up in one place, with the same people, and then all of a sudden realize that you're going somewhere new, by yourself, and that comfort zone that you've built over the years will be gone. But at the same time it's exciting.
Things are going much better for me, I took care of my speeding ticket stuff today, and I decided that no matter what the courts screw you over. The good thing was that the judge was super nice, he said I just had to take the class, and then he talked to me about college and where I was going, and that kind of stuff. It was like talking to your grandparent or something, he was a really nice old man.
Then also track is going much better, last week I felt like I was never going ot get it, and like everything sucked, and this week things are starting to click, adn I'm starting to understand the mechanics of it all, and it's going better.
This weekend coming up should be really fun, snowboarding one day, making cookies another, then homework and that kind of stuff, but w/e, i probablly won't do it anyways. Yayy I love being a senior. graduation is in two and a half months, that's crazy! but so exciting!

I want to wrap myself in darkness, and thought.

2006-02-26T21:23:00.000-08:00

It's interesting how while I am writing all this down I am staring at a blank white screne, and then when this is finally posted it is on a dark screne. I wish I could write on a dark screne, becaues there is a very different feel to it. The starkness of the white completely changes my emotional outlook on things. I think it makes me much more agressive, and awake, both which are bad states to be in while trying to sort out things. The dark is comforting, and much softer than the harsh white. It is calming as well. As I look back and read some of the things I wrote, it makes me sad, becaues most of the time I am angry, which is not a good thing to be. It's just this white background that does it though. The darkness is deep and seems to never end, instead of anger and frustraition, it brings inquery, and deep thought. I think this is because I do most of my thinking in the dark, in that time before sleep. It is a safe place for me to let my thoughts out, and reflect on past events. The darkness is like a blanket or a womb, that surrounds one. The whiteness of this background though, rips through my thoughts leaving me with only bits and peaces of what I wanted to say, and when I've fianlly peiced my thoughts together they almost never come out right. it's like a peice of material that you're trying to make a dress out of, if it were torn up before you started, it would be quite hard to make it look just as you had wished it would before you started. I am very dissastified with how this is turning out, in every blog it seems I repeat myself, and complain (as I am doing now,) but what I want is to truley be good at writing, and have interesting thoughts to write about. Unfortunantly I think that will come from reading much more, and reading a variety of things. The things we read in school are rather dry in my opinion, and though they are considered "great works of literature" I still would rather read things that are more fufilling than plays; things that really make one think. I suppose many could argue that the books we've read, and that we're reading do make people think, and that I'm just too ignorant to see that, but that's too bad, because, I want to read books that make me think. I feel as though the tone of this blog has become flippant, and bitter. It's not clever, or intriuging, it's just incesant rambling and whining, which I intend to change. I cannot promise that I won't vent every now and then, but my goal is to write, for the next couple posts at least, things that evoke thought.

ARRRRGGGGGGGG!

2006-02-25T00:44:00.000-08:00

If you didn't know that's pirate for "I'm quite frustraited." which I am. That would be the perfect way to describe how I'm feeling right now: frustraited, in every sense of the word. Frustraited because I'm a stupid girl. Not so much because of the girl part, more because of the stupid part. Seriously, I freaking obsess over the littlest stupidest things, and I let them consume me and my time, and it's no big freaking deal, I just need to learn to get over things! GOOD LORD!

Also track started, and yeah it's definitley frustraiting, not only do I have no idea what I'm doing, but I look like a fool, and everyone in my group already knows how to do it. There are only 4 girls I believe, and I am by far the worst, oh and all the boys are better, just because they are boys. So pretty much that's not cool. Oh and I tried triple jump today, which sucked. I suck at jumping, I said that from the start, but everyone was like, no no no, you have to try it, all dancers are good at. P.S. I'M NOT A JUMPER I'M A TURNER! Let me think back to a time when I was ever good at jumping... nope not coming to me. So pretty much I'm the worst person in my group at that too. neat. Pretty much I hate not being good at things, and having everyone watch. I don't mind so much if I suck at stuff if no one can see; like swimming. At least swimming took place in the dark, and everyone else was doing it too, and you couldn't really see anyone else. Not with track, oh no, you're out in the open, and usually they have us go one at a time, so it's even more emberassing. And I know there are those people who are like, it doesn't matter, no one will make fun of you, but think about it, if you're good at something, and you see someone who just absolutly sucks, whether you say something or not, you're still thinking, "holy crap they suck." And you may even chuckle to yourself. So all of you who say, no one will make fun of you, shut up! because you know you've done it to someone eles, even if you don't mean to, or don't think you are.

Another thing that's quite furstraiting is timing. Timing is everything in life, and shoot mine sucks. I'm the person who laughs at the wrong time, speaks out of turn, makes jokes at bad times, and never knows when to call or not to call. I suck. And the thing is, you'd think I'd learn, but we all know that I don't have a tendency to learn from my mistakes, because I'm a freaking idiot, and I just keep making the same ones again. Also, I'm so freaking nieve. When I do try to see the good in things, it always turns out that really, it wasn't good. It always ends up being that person acctually did have ill intensions, or they were just being a dick face, they had no excuses. I was reading nicole's quotes and one of them said something to the effect of "In order for people to walk all over you, you must be laying down." well crap! that's me. Why is that I can't stay mad or say no to some people. It doesn't matter what they do, I never get up, I just keep laying there. And then every time they step on me, and they go, "oh sorry" I reply with, "oh don't worry about it, it's okay, it was my fault." So maybe it's a bad idea to be lying in the middle of the floor, but fuck, if you step on someone once, you're going to remeber that they're there, so if you keep doing it, it's no longer an accident, and now you are just as guilty as the person laying there. I mean if you stepped on someone who was laying on the floor, would you turn around and do it again 5 minutes later? only if you're a mean shitty person. or next time would you avoid making that mistake? And why is it okay in our society to use people? I will never understand that. Why must we use people, they're not freaking napkins to be used and then thrown away. They're not cars to help you get around, and then just leave in the parking lot. They're not toys to be played with until you get bored, and then put away until you're bored again. What the hell, why can't people see this? Why can't they just treat people how they shoudl be treated, it's not that hard. Honestly, don't say things you don't mean, don't do things you know will hurt people, and don't take what's not yours. It's simple, and yet it seems that this along with common courtesy has gone out the window.

And of course the most frustraiting thing of all is not knowing quite where you belong. Not knowing exactly where you stand in the group, not knowing what's going on, just kind of out of it. But that's high school right? always being nervous about what other people are thinking, and how they percive you. I don't care what you say, I know you have the same insecurities. everyone does. don't lie. I just wonder when it will become more clear, or if this is the way it will be forever. I sure hope not, I'd like to figure things out, and find that nitch that just fits. It's easy to find it for about a week, or maybe even too, but it never lasts. As soon as one seems to find where they fit in the world, the world around them changes, and so does everythign they knew. So now it's time to adjust and find that new nitch, and hope it is as good as the last one.

The word of this week is frustraiting. Everything about this week. Though it has been shorter than most, it still dragged on; a new frustration around every corner. I hope this weekend and next week is better.

YESSSSSSSSSS

2006-02-13T21:46:00.000-08:00

So today has been a little out of the ordinary for me. It started out with a trip to the washington county's sherrif's office to try and take care of this ticket business. (if you didn't know I got a ticket on Feb. 2nd, for "allegedly not stopping at a stop sign" which I did stop at, and long story short the cop was a big F'head." Anyways, I had been told by the officer that gave me this ticket that part of it was a "fix it" ticket, and I had to go in before my court date of March 1st and take care of it, and on the pamphlet thing it said that I could only take care of it on a Monday and it couldn't be a holiday, and it had to be between the hours of 9:00am and 12:00pm; so I went today. When I got there I went to one door, and it said please use the SE enterance. So I went to the other door and it said please use NW door. So then I went and looked to see if maybe there was another door that I had missed altogether, but there wasn't, so maybe the signs were just a way of the sheriff's office making poor ticketed drivers even more frustraited and annoyed. So when I finally got into the right place I got up to the counter and they said, well you don't need to come in until the 1st, and since it's so early we may not have your ticket. So I had to wait a while for them to try and find it, and when they did they were like okay how are you going to pay for it? And I had been planning just to come and pay the "fix it" part, not the whole thing. SO I was like uhhh... what? and then I asked about the class, and she was like, oh are you still in high school? how old are you? yeah sure you can, you just need to come back with a parent, and see the judge. But you shoudl probablly not come back on a monday, maybe a thursday. And I was like what aobut this fix it part, it says it can only be fixed on monday, and she said, oh don't worry about that the judge will probablly dismiss that. So after all that I still have to go back another day and hope that they dont' change their minds about letting me fix it on the wrong day.
The rest of the day was kind of blah. I was just kind of out of it all day. I wasn't down or anything really, I just didn't find any amusement in the day, and I didn't really want to talk to anyone. weird, I have never felt as anti-social as I did today.
After school though things got a lot better, I started cleaning my room and now I'm in the process of taking down my bed so I can put the new one in tomorrow, OMG I'M SO EXCITED! it's going to be amazing, that's all I can say. It was amazing some of the stuff I found while cleaning my room though, here's just the tip of the iceberg:
3 tubes of eyelash glue
4 curling irons
48 hair ties
4 brushes
7 bottles of lotion
3 books we’ve finished reading in English
5 spiral notebooks
and 3 water bottles
Maddness I know. But I'm so excited this weekend I think I'm going to go out and get a bulliten board to hang and fill it up with pictures. I'm so excited! maybe I'll even have room to hang my mosaic. we'll see. Tommorow should be a really good day, I can feel it.

It's not that I want what I can't have, it's just that I can't have what I want.

2006-02-12T09:25:00.000-08:00

I'm am so sad right now, Michelle Kwan has dropped out of the Olympics! Seriously I wanted her to win so badly this year, you don't even know. But I guess it makes sense for her to do this because had she competed she wouldn't have done nearly as well as she could if she wasn't injured. AHHHHH I'm so dissapointed, she deserved to win! she's like 5 time world champion, and has a silver and a bronz in the olympics, and all she needed was the gold. I'm crushed... story of my life.
So swimming districts were this weekend, which means we got a 3 day weekend! Hell yes! The meet went pretty good, Glencoe did decent, but holy crap I cannot believe how fast some of these kids swim, it is rediculous. I'm pretty sure half of them are half fish and have webbed feet and hands, because they are freaking fast. The other thing that blows my mind (back to the subject of the olympics) is that the people in the olympics swim like 10 times faster. I think Olympians are pretty much the most amazing people ever, they're almost super human they're so good at their sport. But the thing is it doesn't last. In a couple years all the records set will be broken, as we ascend towards perfection. It seems like everything is already so fast, almost impossibly fast, that at some point we will reach a point where we can't get any better. The question is then, will we just maintain, or will we start to regress? How wierd will that be when almost every record set cannot be broken just because it is so fast. At that point what's even the point of competing? I mean you know you can beat the people who you are racing against, but you'd never have the chance to be the best ever at something. You would never be able to set a record. weird.
The weather the last couple days has been nothing short of AMAZING, so I acctually went outside and did stuff. I feel so much better when the sun shines, it just brings up my mood, my energy, everything. On thursday we went and bought a ball and played four square (which is still just as amazing as it was back in 4th grade) and then yesterday I went and cleaned the porch, and let me tell you, power washers are one of the greatest tools ever created. You can clean anything with a power washer. It's pretty much the most fun way ever to clean. The only problem is I feel bad because it wastes a lot of water. But yesterday I didn't feel bad, because it has rained hard for like the last month, and we've had flooding and such, so I really don't feel bad usuing extra water; for right now at least. Have anything you want power washed? Because I will do it, it's that much fun.
Well today is another spectacular day, and I am going to go out and make the most of it.

bad choice

2006-02-06T21:10:00.000-08:00

I'm usually pretty good at making decisions, I'd say for the most part I know what I want, and stick with it.... Buuuuuuttt then there are the times when I get stuck. I know what is expected of me, and what I should do, but then on the other hand I know (as hard as I try to deny it) what I really want. So which path do I follow? what's right... or what feels right? hmm what a delima. And it doesn't help that I keep making the same mistakes. I see it, but I can't change it. I try, and yet I find myself in the same place again and again. I know when it's happening, but I can't stop it, I am stuck in the worst rut, and I really don't think there's anyway for me to change until I am in a new environment.
It would be so much easeir if I didn't care. If I didn't care none of this would faze me, and I probablly wouldn't get in the sittuations I find myself in. There are some people who are just so aloof, and are always so composed. I envy these people. Because most of the time I say exactly what I'm thinking, and it tends to get me in trouble more often then not. It also a really good way to make yourself look ignorant, and yet I haven't learned. I really do need to learn how to be detached, not cold, just not so emotional.
that's one of the downfalls of being a girl, we get so freaking worked up about the littles shit. And don't deny it, I know every single girl out there has completely overracted or started crying over nothing; it's just how we're wired. And at the time it seems like what ever we're all emotional about is the biggest thing in the world, but we always realize later how silly the whole thing was. We would save the world (and ourselves) a lot of grief if we would just step back and realize these things in the heat of the moment. But that's a lot easeir said than done. Why can't girls be more like guys, if they have a problem they get over it. They don't hold it in, and let it fester. Seriously why can't we just get it out there and let it go? Oh and by the way girls remeber everything, well at least I do. It's like an eleborate filing system in my head, every little thing that happens gets stored, and when I get irritated all of a sudden that file gets brought up, and everything that you ever did to annoy me will come to the front of my mind. I know it's weird, but trust me I remeber so much stuff that's trivial it's amazing. I don't even understand how I have room for the stuff I learn in school.
anyways, I hope you have a wonderful day, it's supposed to be sunny this week, go out and enjoy it while it lasts.

You'd think I'd learn

2006-01-27T22:58:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that when I get irritated by someone, all of a sudden I start obsessing over it. I just can't leave anything alone, I start nit-picking, and all of a sudden I notice every little thing that person does, and it just irritates me more and more, until finally I can't stand that person. The only way for me to stop is to just take time away from them, sometimes it's only a little bit of a time, but sometimes I get stuck in this rut, and it takes weeks. Not even kidding. I think I must have OCD or something, because seroiulsy it is rediculous how little something can be, and how much it can bother me.
At the same time, I can never stay mad at anyone for too long, because I'm retarded. Even the people who treat me like shit, I just keep making the same damn mistakes. And I always forgive them, and I think that somehow they will have changed, but they don't. They're the same shitty people they started out as. And I'm the same stupid girl, standing there looking like a fool, wondering why the hell I'm still friends with this kind of person. It's not that hard to figure out, crappy people don't change, so there's no reason to be friends with them. And you really shouldn't have to give people more than 3 chances. After that it's not even worth it. really you shouldnt' even have to give them 3 chances. AHH I HATE STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE!!!! FUCK YOU!
god damn. that's all i have to say. I can't wait to leave, People suck. I wish people didn't change.

My head hurts something feirce

2006-01-24T19:49:00.000-08:00

So the other day I was in albertsons going to the check out line, when I saw some kids of about 12, eating doughnuts and walking towards the checkout line. One of the kids turned to the other and said, "Man if it was you and me who had gotten the doughnuts we wouldn't have had to pay for them, but no, he had to go and do it." Now there were five boys and two girls... i think, maybe only one girl, but either way they were all kid of dressed like wanna be 7th grade skaters. I would just like to say that who ever "he" was, thank you for doing the right thing, and I hope you find new friends cuz your friends suck ass. Second I'd like to say that I hope the rest of those kids get in bike accidents... because I'm sure they can't drive. They were the kind of kids who just think they're the shit... but really they suck, because they go around stealing stuff. Then the lamest part was that as I was leaving I saw them all walking out to the parking lot getting picked up by their mom. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SUCKS TO NOT BE ABLE TO DRIVE! But I guess their only other option would have been to ride bikes, or to walk, so they didn't have much choice. Then I started thinking about how many kids I see riding their bikes, espeically 7th and 8th grade boys, who just think they're the shit, when really... they're not. But then I thought about it, and I would think I was the shit too. Because they don't know any different. It'd be like someone who was in a nice house boat, just like, damn I'm so cool, but then someone who owns a big old yatch would think that was child's play. But I mean the person in the house boat doesn't know better, so for them it is really cool. I mean don't we all remeber how cool you felt when you got your first bike, it was like, wow I am a bad ass up here on my two wheels. And though I thought driving a car would be really cool, I didn't know just how much I would like it, or how fun it was, so I didn't really think anything of it. Because at that age most people's only experience of driving a car is flintstoning it around in some sort of buggy, or homemade box/car. So I guess I'm trying to say, you can't miss something that you've never experienced. Now if I don't have a car I feel so trapped, and I feel like I can't live with out it, but just 2 years ago I didn't have a car and I got a long just fine. See, ignorance is bliss, and the more we get, the more chances for unhappiness we have.

I think we should have 3 day weekends every weekend

2006-01-22T15:40:00.000-08:00

I've been kind of getting sick for some while now, and finally on thursday night it hit me. I felt fine all night, and then I came home and all of a sudden I just felt like crap, my head hurt, and felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. Things went like that until yesterday morning, when I just felt soooooo shitty. I woke up and my throat hurt, my I had a stuffy nose, I had a head ache that went from the top of my head down into my neck, and it was just horrible. Then I went to the doctors and she told me that it looked like it was viral, and there wasn't really anythign they could do, but said that I should rest and take eccanasia. So I spent most of the day resting, but I can't stand being in the house all day, so by the evening when I felt a little bit better I thought it'd be fine if I just went out and did some low key things. Little did I know that I would spend most of the night running around with panty hose on my head, and yelling. Bad Idea. By the time I got home my throat felt like it was on fire! I've never had such a bad sore throat, I seriously thought I had strep throat. But then I woke up this morning and after like an hour it went away, for the most part. And now I think I'm over the worst of it, so that's good.
Today I acctually started to clean my room, it's not all the way done, but it's a lot better than it was, you can acctually see my floor. Oh and I also finally got all my thank yous for christmas stuff sent off, so that's another thing I can check off my list of things to do. As for the rest of the day I'm sure I'll spend some time on homework... well at least thinking about it, and I'll probablly go out at some point.
I hope everyone has a great rest of their sunday.

I found this amusing

2006-01-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

So I went on to my myspace and saw that I had a new message. I read it, and it was from a girl, and this is what it said:
Hi there...I'm using a friend's account FYI so don't think I'm her (I'm actually me!). She won;t mind (I think!) It's OK with her. Anyway, I read you ad and I thought we might get along. I'd like to get together for dinner or to see a movie or whatever.... you know, the classics :) To reach me, use wildone7309@yahoo. I'll email you a picture of me if you do. Well, hope to hear from u soon!

I have to wonder what ad she's talking about, and if she ment my profile, then she really didn't read it at all, because I said that I like boys. And I just think it's really weird that people acctually use myspace for dating. I duno it just seems really weird to go out and try to find someone to date on the internet. I guess it kind of makes sense... but at the same time it's really weird. It's kind of like a catalog for people, in that you look through a bunch of pictures, pick out the ones you like, and try to get one. Which I find really weird. Anyways, what the hell is she saying? lol, I mean serioulsy does this mean that she thinks I look like a dyke? jeeze! Just because I don't have big boobs, and I have, "really really broad shoulders" does not make me a boy/dyke!!! lol. I am not a boy! what the hell.

The longest day EVER! Part II

2006-01-16T18:45:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up around 5:00 hearing my mom moving around, and dreading that I'd have to get up in less than 20 minutes. Fortunantly I remebered that I didn't have swim team until later, so I went back to sleep hoping that maybe she ahd found my keys before she left. Then at 8:00 my dad comes in saying, that he can't get to work because my car is behind his garage space. Well I had figured this out last night, hence looking for the keys, but there wasn't much I could do about it. So we gave looking for the keys one last shot, but to no avail. So we called AAA and they came and unlocked the door, and said that they could make a key on the site, but it would take somewhere around 45 minutes to an hour, and cost like 150 bucks, so the guy told us it would be cheaper to get the car towed to the dealership and have them make a key. After this I was sitting up stairs, thinking, I should really call Ashley or Alex and ask for a ride, just at that moment ashley called me and asked what time practice was, so I got a ride, and suprisingly we were on time. It worked out. When I got home my ar was at the bottom of the driveway, and I called the towing place, they said they'd tow my car, and give me a ride to the dealership. GREAT! So the towing guy comes, and hooks up my car, and we drive off. He, by the way, looked exactly like Mr. Tumnis from the chronicals of Narnia, lol, not kidding. So we get to the dealership I sign all the papers, they get my car, and it looks like I'll be out of there in 10, 15 minutes max. So they tell me to take a seat, cuz it's probablly going to be 45 minutes, which sucks, but my dad calls, and he's right around the area, so he picks me up. He just got out of oral surgery so he's not hungry, and I'm not either so we go over to safeway and pick up his perscriptions and then he drops me back off at the dealership. I find the living section of the Oregonian and start working on the sudoku puzzle. Solve that and then the guy comes over and says, we don't have the remote here, so we can order you one, want to do that? and I agree to it. Then a little while later he comes over and says that they're having trouble getting my key code downloaded, or something like that. Then later he comes over and says their machine will not cut the key, so they're going to have to have their other dealership cut it, and then bring it over. At this point I've been at the dealership for aobut 3 hours, and I have a headache that will not go away. So I ask how long that's going to take, and he says, "probablly like 45 minutes... well acctually more like an hour an a half to two hourse." so I catch their shuttle home. And as most of you know I have to take my sister and her friend to dance, but the problem is now we only have one car, nd it only fits two people, so I have to take my sister to dance, and then come back and pick up her friend and take her. I get home and call the shuttle to take me back, and by the time I get there my car has just gotten done, at like 5:00. So now I have a car, but I had a list as long as my arm of stuff that needed to get done, and none of it got done. Not a single thing. So that's pretty much the most frustraiting thing in the world: a) not being able to drive b) sitting in a dealership c) waising a day off of school. At least about 30 minutes ago my head ache finally went away after I laid down, but I still have a ton of stuff to do, and I probablly won't get it done. What a crappy day. I suppose it could be worse, but still, as far as days off go, this has been the crappiest in a very long time.

The longest day EVER! Part I

2006-01-16T17:14:00.000-08:00

Yes that's right, this day has been so long that it will acctually be told in two parts.

Today has been such a fiasco, I had so much I needed to get done, and so much I needed to do. I figured, cool three day weekend, nothing big planned, perfect, I'll get it all done and be ahead going into next week. Well things don't always work out the way you want them to. My problems all started yesterday when, for some strange reason, I decided to take my mom's car to the grocery store instead of mine. I can't remeber why I took her car instead of mine, there is no reason for it, and it was pretty much the stupidest thing I've done in a long time. So I'm getting ready to leave, and I run really quickly to my car to get my purse and stuff, and then, I think I threw my keys into my purse, I'm almost postive I did, and then I locked the car, and drove off in my mom's car. I did the grocery shopping, and came back, no problems.
Later that night I was supposed to meet Hannah, Danielle, and Melia for dinner, and they said that they'd be at my house at 5 to pick me up. So 5:00 rolls around and they're not here, but I don't really think anything of it, because I told Hannah if they were late that was fine, because I probablly wouldn't be ready right at 5. Then 5:20 rolls around and my mom asks me to go pick up the dog from the groomers, but I tell her that I'm waiting for my friends, and they should be here at any moment. So she takes her car and goes to pick up the dog. Not 5 minutes later I get a call from Hannah saying that they're already at spaghetti factory, and that they had already stopped by my house and called my cell phone, I appologize, because I didn't hear the door, and my phone was downstairds, and say that I'll be there asap. So I go down stairs and the moment I get down there my dad says, "oh, your phone rang." and of course I'm kind of pissed off, cuz it's like, well thanks for telling me that when it rang. and then I ask him why he didn't asnwer the door when it rang, and he says that he thought someone else got it. And then he says that he acctually did tell me my phone rang, by yelling upstairs, and when I didn't respond he figured I knew. So now I was super pissed off because not only was he the only down stairs, he didn't asnwer the door when the door bell rang, and barely made and effort to tell me my phone had rang. So I'm looking for my car keys and they are no where to be found. I look though my purse like 10 times, and through my room, and anywhere else I can think of that they might be, but I absoulty cannot find them, so I'm forced to wait for my mom to come home. I try calling her cell phone, but like usual it's off, and I just have to wait. Then she gets home adn I quickly take her car, and leave. When I get home, I try looking for my keys again, because my mom is going out of town the next day, and I won't have another chance to look through her car, and I need to be able to use my car while she's gone. My dad of course decides that it's not his problem and doesn't help look. We don't find it.

school sucks

2006-01-09T20:04:00.000-08:00

So this whole school sittuation is really frustraiting me. I feel like I go to class only to get my homework, and that wouldn't be so bad if classes were 15 or 20 minutes long. But they're not, they're 90 minutes long. And it's not even that I get a lot of homework, it's just that I have a problem doing my homework in class, and most of my teachers give time in class to work on stuff. So that means I end up sitting around for 90 minutes, and then when I get home I have a lot more homework than the teacher acctually intended. That system isn't working out too well. I get home and if I have only a little bit of homework, I do it, no problem, but when I have a couple of hours of homework ahead of me it makes it so much harder to get started. The thing is that I know I'll do all this homework, most of which is busy work, and I'll turn it in the next day for not that much credit, and then just get more. It's an endless cycle. I don't think it will be as bad in college because we shouldn't have little stupid worksheets and stuff that just take up time. I have no motivation what so ever, the majority of my classes I don't like, and it's not that I dislike any of my teachers, but there are a couple that I just feel like they don't teach. They're all really really nice people outside of class, but I just don't like they're teaching style, so I am continually caught between being annoyed with them, and really liking them.
the other really frustraiting thing about Glencoe is their clocks. There is no point in even having clocks anymore, because all of them are off, and none of them are even the same amount of off. I never have any idea what time it is, or how much time we have in class. Not only that, but their time is 5 minutes fast, so if you get to school at 8:25, when you shoudl have 5 minutes to get to class, you're already late. So then if you want time to go and put your stuff down, you have to get there by 8:20. And that may not seem like a big deal, but for me it is. I live like 2 minutes away form the school, literally, so I should be able to leave by like 8:25 and be fine, but instead I have to leave at 8:10 and then I barely get there in time for the first bell to ring. That's after I get home from swim team at 7:35, so I have about 45 minutes to showre, get dressed, and what ever else I end up waisting my time doing. Okay so that's way longer than it used to take me, but I'm just so slow now. I think it's because I'm so tired. I just feel tired all the time now. I wake up and feel tired, I go to school and feel tired, I get home and sleep and then feel tired some more, and then I go to bed, and I'm tired but I can't sleep because my mind is racing because there is always like 10 things I didn't get done that I needed to that day.
I thought after I got my college apps in things would slow down, and they definitley haven't. Now I have a million scholarships I have to apply for, and I duno how but it just seems like I have more to do than ever before. I serioulsy don't know why I'm so busy, cuz it really doesn't seem like I have that much to do. but it's probablly cuz I sit at this stupid computer and put off things like homework. Hmm way to go megan.... not.

You don't have to be a dick about it

2006-01-08T22:50:00.000-08:00

I had almost gotten used to the feeling of dissapointment when it comes to being able to rely upon friends, and then friday night just completely surpassed any other experience and pushed me beyond dissapointment, and anger, to the point where I give up. I can't wait to leave this stupid place, filled with stupid people. It's funny, I was talking to Tessa the foreign exchange student and she was saying how suprised she was at how people just backed out of things last minute not giving her any warning. She said, it makes her angery because she's depending on those people, and when she says she's goign to do something, she will do it, or be there, because she has made that commitment. And I totally agree with her, but I told her that she should get used to that, because people bail last minute all the time. It is utterly impossible to plan anything more than a day in advance, because by the end of a week, most people will flake. It seems like even a couple hours is becoming too much to ask of people. Friday night Nicole and I had 5 people! yes 5, blow us off. I'm pretty sure that must be some sort of record. The neat thing is that I would consider all of them pretty close friends. So of course we were a little irritated, and I started thinking about the quality of my friends, and I realized for the most part, they're shitty. They're just shitty people, who make promises and break them, who flake last minute, who say they will call and don't, and who use people.
More and more I feel like the back up friend. Kind of like rent a friend. I'm there when ever it's convienient, but when it's not, well then it's okay to blow me off, because I probablly won't say anything about it. Honestly I feel like there are a couple of my really good close friends who hang out with me when they have nothing better to do, and will gladly ditch me for anyone cooler who comes along.
So from now on let's just call all the crappy friends "Sam." Well I've been hanging out with Sam lately and everytime I say somethign sam feels the need to tell me I'm wrong, even if sam has no fucking idea what he/she is talking about. For example, let's just pretend that sam and I are outside looking at the moon, mine and sam's conversation might go a little something like this
Me: wow the moon looks really white tonight
( Now realize I'm just making a commnet, I didn't ask for anyone else's opinion, or ask why, or anything)
Sam: no it's not. what are you talking about? the moon is made out of grey rocks, it's not white.
Me: I know, I'm just saying it looks white
sam: but why woudl you say that?
me: I was just saying it, okay?
sam: fine, but it's not white.

Okay, so that may not seem that bad, but image everytime you said anything, being treated like you're an idiot for eveything thinking that, yeah not so fun. I have to wonder, why do I want a friend like sam? If I wanted someone to belittle my thoughts and comment I think I'd just ask people to be ass holes to me.

So my other friend sam, we dont' really hang out anymore. And it's not that I don't want to hang out with sam, it's just that, sam never calls me unless there's nothing better to do. I try to always invite sam to come and be a part of what ever I'm doing, and when sam feels like it he/she does. But when sam is doing somthing fun, and I call him/her, sam doesn't answer his/her phone. Or a lot of the time I feel like sam doesn't even want to hang out with me, unless they get something out of it. Like if I invited sam to just come hang out, sam would probablly say "umm, no thanks, I'm really tired, but hey call me if you do something fun." So I have to wonder, well sam if you don't even like hanging out wtih me enough to try and figure something out to do, then why the hell would I be able to do anything fun with you? I also find it interesting when sam does hang out with me, and just acts bored the whole time, like I twisted their arm to get them there, and now they're having a horrible time. Looking at their phone every two seconds, texting people while you're trying to talk to them, isolating themselves from the group, and not participating. But I thought about it, and just because someone extends an invitation to you, doesn't mean you have to take it. No one is making you hang out with me or my friends sam, so if you don't want to be there, don't come.

Oh my favorite sam, is the one that lies all the time, strait to my face and uses me. This sam woudl probablly ask for a ride to the movie theaters and then go meet up with different friends, and ditch me. This sam would say they're going to call and just not bother to. If me and this sam were at some sort of thing where not that many people we knew were there, this sam would come hang out with me. but the moment someone neater, or cooler came along, this sam would totally ditch me to hang out with the other people. So I wonder, why do I put up with it? I should just tell sam that he/she is a dick, and that they're a big pecie of shit.

But there's this little voice in teh back of my head that keeps telling me, no these people are good deep down, and that I should treat others as I want to be treated. But at the same time, I sit and I think, maybe it'd be best if I gave them their space, and let them find what is inside of them. Maybe then they'll figure out that they're being dicks/bitches, or maybe they will go on with their self absorbed ways, and at that point, maybe it's better that we're not friends.

2006-01-04T19:37:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOSH! I LOVE THE THREE LANES ON 26! I don't know if traffic is better because the construction is gone, or because having three lanes acctually helps, but what ever it is, I freaking love it! It makes getting to portland, or to beaverton for that matter, soooo much faster! This is wonderful!
Let's see what's been going on since we've been back at good old Glencoe? Oh wait, nothing at all! It is rediculous how much time in the last two days I've waisted. In all of my classes we've had at least 25 minutes of work time, and most of them it's more like 40 minutes to an hour. Some of my classes the teachers just simply decided to not teach anything at all. Now I have a delima, I know that I would complain if there was a ton of work they were giving us, and everything was super hard, but at the same time I sit back and think, wait why am I going to school? I mean I can hang out with my friends when we don't have school, so why am I going to class to sit there and talk? I guess I shouldn't be looking a gift horse in the mouth so to speak, but honestly I just hate waisting time. As long as I'm there I feel like I should be getting something out of it, right? Maybe I'm just disallusioned.
What else? We have our next swim meet tomorrow, and I've officially decided that I don't like swim meets. They really stress me out. I don't know what it is about it, cuz I am one of the most competitive people I know, maybe it's just that I know I can't win. I'm kind of a poor sport like that, I really don't like doing things that there's no chance of me being the best at. or at least things where I don't have a fighting chance. I mean I do enjoy swimming, I feel like it's challanging, and I can push myself, but I don't like doing it in front of people. I like it when we have practice in the dark so no one can see how bad I am. lol. that sucks.
hmmm let's see... I know there has been a lot going on, I just can't seem to think of anyting. Oh okay... we all know that this really wouldn't be a blog unless it had some complaining about the way people are acting. They're being stupid, and annoying, and selfish. That's all I'm going to say. And that does not apply to everyone. Oh and the rest of everyone else is being wonderful, and I couldn't be happier.

Whoa where did the break go?

2006-01-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

It is as though we just got out of school and now we have to return again. When I think of chirstmas vacation I think of kicking back, sleeping in, hanging out, and watchign a lot of moviers. Well hardly any of that acctually happened, and when I think back I'd have to say this was the most unrelaxing break I've ever had. Everyday there was something I had to do, and guess what there are still things I have to do. This break felt more like a weekend than two weeks, I honestly have no idea how two weeks went by that fast. I thought that over break I would catch up on my sleep, but somehow the opposite happend, everyday I was more and more tired, until these last three days of break I have just been exhuasted. I don't even know what from, because it's not like I'm doing anything that strenuous! But somehow I went into this break feeling like I need a couple days to recoup, and now I feel more tired than I have in months. This is maddness! OH well break is over now, and we have to go back to the grind of school. I must say I'd rather spend my time having a very busy and tiring break, than being bored in school, and getting stressed over grades. Ahhh there are still so many things I have to do! Write thank you letters, take care of my parking ticket sittuation... which I did not deserve, and clean my car and room. They are both so messy I can't even believe it. But that will have to wait until another day.

Noodles and mimosas what a way to kick off the new year!

2006-01-01T02:07:00.000-08:00

So looking back on last year I'd have to say for the most part it was completely incosequential. Not to say it was a waste or anything, because a lot has happend, but at the same time nothing has. This year feels exactly the same as last. Even though I know at the same time that it is very different. Maybe it's just that I am very comfterble with where I am right now. I'm happy with how things are, it's one of those moments where I just want it to last a little bit longer, because everything is balanced. But as we all know that can't happen. Things will change, and probablly pretty soon. I've been in this place just long enough to get comfterble, and that means that something is bound to change.
No new years resolutions for me this year, becaues I know I won't be able to keep it, and honestly what's the point. What is so special about this one night that should make us want to be better people? why shouldn't we make resolutions when ever we want? why only make resolutions one time a year? I figure if there's something that I want to work on or change I'll do it, and if it's not going to happen through me willing myself to do, me promising myself I'll do it over the next year really wont' change things.
Thinking back... last year, 2005, wasn't bad, but at the same time wasn't great. Nothing absolutly great happend. Well.... I take that back, I finished 6 of my 7 college applications. Which is exciting and frightening at the same time, because what if I screwed them up some how? or what if none of them are good enough to get into the schools I want to go to? I hate the uncertainty of it all. I hate waiting for someone else's judgement. I did all this work, paid money, and am going to wait to get a little letter in the mail to see if someone else thinks I'm good enough to go to their school. crappy. On top of that, after I'm in I acctually have to go. It's not the going part that scares me, I'm afraid that I won't be smart enough. It's no secret I watch wayyy too much TV and don't read enough. I do alright in school, but college will be a lot better, and chances are if I get into any of the schools I applied to I will be at the bottom of the pack. And writing all these essays I've realized that there is nothing of any use that I know a ton about. I know some things about a lot of unimportant things, and a very small bit about a lot of helpful things, but I really don't know that much about anyone thign. the only thing that I would say I have extensive knowledge on is dance, and even that I don't know that much about. Plus how is that going to help me when I go and try and get a degree in science, or writing or psychology or seomthing like that? it won't. I just feel really unprepared. I've also come to find that I'm just not really good at anything in school. Not to say I'm bad at school, there's just nothing that I'm really good at. I thought I was good at math.... boy i was wrong, I thought I was good at science, and I'm not. I thought maybe I could be good at writing with help.... after writing my essays, and haveing to rewrite most of them 4 and 5 times I've found out that I haven't even learned how to write a sentence. So to say I'm a little worried aobut college is an understatment. I could say I will try to do a ton of prep work and cram and learn a lot of stuff in the next 6 months, but the truth is that it probablly won't happen. And even if it does, 6 monhts just doesn't seem like enough time to make up for 12 years of mediocrety. BAH! I guess it won't really matter if I don't end up getting into any of these colleges. hah. that sucks.
On a lighter note it is the new years, and it is a time to clear the slate, start new... well everything except for grades I'll have to wait a little longer for that, but oh well. I am quite interested to see where the next year... or even the next couple of months takes me. It will be a journey.

freaking long dream

2005-12-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

Strange dreams seem to be a nightly occurance for me now. The last few nights I've had nothing but really long strange dreams, and I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. In Tuesday's weird dream I was walking through a swamp type maze, and there were snakes and a big crocodile, and in one part a bunch of people and I were standing on this little gazebo type thing, and I was carrying a cake, and then I slipped and fell. And then another dream I had later that night I was washing my face, and I reached up to scratch it, and a huge chunk of skin came off, and then I noticed I had a whole bunch of, no so much scratches, and gouges in my face, and they were all bleeding, and so I tried to wash the blood off and it stung really really bad, and the blood would not go away.
Then last night, I had a bunch of weird dreams too. The first... well acctually I think somehow this was all one big long complicated dream, but anways, it started off outside the glencoe parking lot. And I was holding a huge bundle of balloons for someone's brithday, and I think we were waiting for someone to show up. When people finally did show up it was the wong people, so I enlisted them to help hold the balloons. When they had to leave they handed me back the balloons, but now all of a sudden all the strings were different lengths, and some of them were like only a foot long, and so like 4 of them got away and floated off, and then I handed the balloons over to someone else, and 3 or 4 more floated away, and so the person tried to hand me back the balloons, and the rest floated away. It was quite frustraiting. Then next I had to go pick up my sister from school, so I was walking around the school, and then all of a sudden I was in Leadership. There were some people making posters, and I had a paint brush in my hand, with white paint on it, and I was walking with Katy Ostrem, and possibly some other people too,but I'm not sure, but we came apon a poster for ann frank, and apparently my dream took place when the play did, because in my dream it hadn't happened yet. As I was walking past the poster, I got the urge to write on it for some reason, so I wrote, "UGLY" in big white letters across the top of it. The next thing I remeber was that student council was doing some sort of play, and for some reason I had to wear a little house on the prary dress, with like shorts under it or something. But in one part I decided to flip my dress out in the back, and it exposed by clothed butt. So no big deal right? wrong! later that day Miss Monnier said that she needed to talk to katy and I. she was standing down on the ground, adn we were standing up a little ways on a stair case type thing, looking down over a railing. So we were maybe like 6 feet higher than her. Not only was miss monnier standing down there, but so was Miss Loughner, and like 10 other teachers that I've had in the past. And miss monnier brought up the two things I'd done that day, the poster thing, and the dress thing, and apparently katy had done them as well, or was just guilty by association, I'm not sure which, but miss monnier was scolding us, and when she was done I asked, what does this mean? do you want us off student council? and eveyone of the teachers shouted "YES!" except for miss monnier, she kind of said no, but then when everyone else said yes she just went along with what they were saying. So then I was really pissed off and I went to find my sister. I finally found her, and her friend jessica was with her, and we left to go home. We walking out into the parking lot, but it was acctually the jackson school parking lot, and then somehow we ended up in portland, and we had parked in a parking garage. So as we're walking towards it, everything is nice and sunny, and cute and pleasant, and we end up walking like 15 blocks or something like that. And then we're getting near the end of the road and miss loughner walks up besides us, and says, "this is not a safe place in town you should not walk alone." and I realize that we've walked like 7 blocks past where we need to be. So we turn around, and start to walk back, and so is ms. loughner, so I ask if she'll walk with us, because it's "not safe" and she says no. and then she says something to the effect of, I'm busy, and you guys shouldn't have walked up here. So we start walking back, and we're both going in the same direction, and all of a sudden it starts to get dark, night falls in like two mintues, and ms. loughner is walking so fast we can't keep up with her. So then she dissapears into the dark. And as we're walking back, there are all these black hobos from like africa or seomthing, who are speaking a different language, and staring at us, and sometimes they'd follow us, but only for a little bit. And for some reason we have to walk through like 5 different stores, and each one is filled with these hobo guys. and Then one starts to follow us, and yell at us in his strange laungauge, and I'm really freaked out, so I'm encouraging hannah and jessica to walk faster, and we're almost running we're walking so fast, but we just can't walk fast enough, and he's right behind us, and then I kind of knew it was a dream, but kind of not, and I was still really scared, so I kind of decided to wake up, and when I woke up I was all goose bumpy, and it was really weird. So that is my increadably weird, long dream.

"I know what you say..."

2005-12-13T19:51:00.000-08:00

I am completely frustraited right now with a lot of the people around me. I feel as though I can't help them even though I want to. I'd have to say I'm very nosy, and I am quite definitely a meddler. I just cannot leave well enough alone, and when I see someone going down a path that looks like the wrong one, my instinct is to pull htme back. but then I step back and remeber that it's their life, I can't tell them how to live it, or even what is right or what is wrong. I may think one thing is the completely wrong thing for them, but who am I to say if it is or isn't. Obviously in their eyes it isn't nearly as bad, and maybe they're right, they probablly know more about what's going on with them than I do, so maybe I'm missing information, and they really are doing the right thing. But it still doesn't stop me from wanting extremly badly to interfere. It's so hard for me to stand by and watch people do what they think others want/expect them to do, instead of being true to themselves. And I cannot say that I'm not guilty of this, but it still torments me every time I see someone "sell out", or just go with what's popular. And the thing that gets me most is how easily people are swayed by the "right people." Honestly half the time I feel like the back up friend, that people will hang around while they're waiting for their other "friends" to call. But honestly if they're such good friends then why are you waiting for them to call? wouldn' t they have already called? or why can't you call them? that's the other thing that irks me. I know I've said it a million times, but there are some people who just expect others to call them, and they never call to arrange anything. And I know I say that I'm not going to be the person to call, but I'm just impatient, and so therefore I can never hold out the way other people can. Oh and this is also annoying. I feel like when ever I'm in a group that it's always the same people thinking of things to do. It's like no one else even wants to try and think of cool things to do, and after a while it becomes a task to always be expected to think of something fun, or new to do. Think about it, when was the last time you called someone up? now think about when the last time you thought of something for the people you were hanging out with to do? are you one of those people who's lazy and doesn't call and then expects someone else to always come up with the plans? And there's always the excuse, I can never think of anything to do, and frankly I just don't believe it. Maybe those people think that they have to think of something amazing to do, but htey don't, even just watching tv or hanging out is okay. There are always obvious things you could do, so when people say, I can't think of anything that makes me think that they're just boring people. I mean honestly do you just sit around your house all day and do absolutly nothing??? if so.... get a life! go out side, read a book, do something please, do not waist your life in front of the computer screne.... like I'm doing right now. And hypocrasy sets in. Yes I am competelly contradicting myself... but I'm okay with that, what ever. So I guess I'll go do somethign else, that's enough ranting for now anyways.

forgotten dream

2005-12-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

I had a really weird dream last night, I don't really remeber a lot of it, but I do remeber it was really long and complex, and for some reason I keep thinking something really big, or important happened in it. But I can only remeber snibits and peices of it. I remeber in one part I was putting together a presentation or soemthing, and then I think most of the dream took place in my house... but it wasn't really my house. And for that matter, it maynot have been my house, I'm not sure, but I htink my paretns were there. Oh, and there were a ton of people in the dream, some people who were in it, I don't even hang out with. I really wish I could rember more, but that's about it.

;aosnv auinwefnadj;caiuhe;fnxamnf;oejiaf

2005-11-27T17:42:00.000-08:00

I have been sitting here trying to write this freaking college essay all day! AND I'M NOT GETTING ANYWHERE! at this point I have almost nothing accomplished, I can't concentrate, and I'm getting a head ache. My mind is drifting to every corner of the world, further and further away from where it needs to be. I keep going to in cycles of thinking, I really want to stay here, because here is safe, here is fimilair, here is home. And then I'll switch to, I have to leave, I have to get out of here, I have to go see the world. Right now I'm in mode number two. The only thing is I will never be able to do that until I finish my college apps. And THAT'S NOT GOING WELL. Right now I wish I was on a plane to almost anywhere. Everywhere seems more exciting than here. I have nothing to look forward to in the comming months, life has become very mundane and predictable. I just want something exciting and good to happen! I am bored with my life right now. Maybe not even bored, maybe just unsatisfied. but the thing is I'm not sure how to change it. For right now I feel stuck. Ahhhhh! Every single day it is the same thing. Not that that's bad, but every now and then something has to change. There is absolutly nothing exciting coming up. Some people may think christmas is exciting, but really how is it that exciting? There are no presents I'm dying for, there's no exotic location that we're going to, there's no really fun plans that have been made. It's really too far away to start getting exciting. And what do I have next week? A full week of boring boring school. Oh look it's the end of November and I'm still not done applying to college. The more I think about it, the more I'm not sure what I want to do, or where I want to go. I want to leave the US for a while, go explore other countries, find something . But until I get my college stuff done I won't even be able to go out and explore this small town of Hillsboro.

Frustration takes hold

2005-11-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

I know I am chasing a lost cause, and yet, part of my holds out hope. The sensible part of me says, forget it, but then the dreamer part of me says, take a chance. But what have we learned abut taking chances? It's a good way to screw things up. Lemme think of one time that taking a big chance has payed off.... still thinking.... nope. there are a couple times I can think of that they almost payed off, but they always seem to fall just short. Maybe I just need to be patient. But as well all know that's not something I do well, and I feel as though I've been quite patient. Timing sucks, and so does taking risks. Speaking of taking risks I've found that being honest really get's you no where in life. Telling the truth gets you a big slap in the face, while telling lies gets you a small slap on the wrist. Think about it, there are two kids who are getting in trouble for the same thing, one kid comes clean and says, I'm sorry and it was wrong, they get grounded for a month, and aren't allowed to go out anymore. The second kid denies ever doing it, and says they weren't acctually involved, and what do they get? a slap on the wrist and a warning that they shouldn't do it again. Second example: someone asks you what you think of something they're wearing. You say it looks weird, they're hurt. You say it looks great, they're happy. A teacher asks you what you deserve in a class, you put B when you deserve a B, and the teacher, regaurdless if they were going to give you a higher grade, go down to what you say. You give yourself an A, and even if the teacher disagrees it doesn't limit what you can acctually get. By putting B instead of A you are telling the teacher they shoudln't give you anything higher than a B, and essentially are shooting yourself in the foot. With the eating better project, we were asked if we fell behind at all, and the honest kids said they did when they did, and everyone else said that they kept up the whole time, when really they had done all the work the night before and made it up. Who got the better grade? the liars. What has this taught us? that honest is not the best policy. And this is where ethics comes into play. Do you do what is right? Or do you do what will get you further in life? This is how twisted our society is. We are constantly forced to chose between doing what is right and getting ahead. Shouldn't it be that doing the right thing gets you ahead in life? In some cases it is, but for the majority of the time it seems as though the wrong way will get you a lot further... as long as you don't get caught. That makes me really sad. For so long I thought that honesty and hard work would get you somewhere in life, and now I see that kissing ass, putting up with shit, and lying is how most people get to the top. But in the end karma will prevail, and things will even out.

dance team is no more

2005-11-21T18:59:00.000-08:00

So I am offically off dance team. I will not be doing state, or anythign else that has anything to do with dance team. The whole story is, they decided that today, the monday after competition, to have a meeting with all the seniors one at a time, and let them know who would continue to be a captain and who would not. I had wanted to come in to talk to them about some comments made earlier in the day, and acctually about a lot of other things that were going on, so I thought this would be a good chance. My mother and I went in to talk to them and they baisically said, even though I was fine in all other areas my attitude sucked... which it did. 100% I'm not denying it. I'd have to say that being on dance team made me the most unhappy I've ever been. But besides that they said that their deffinition of a leader was someone who brought the team up, and... wasn't quite a cheerleader persay, but really pepped the team up. They said they were upset with how I had said I didn't want to do hip hop at competition and that there had been complaints from parents and students, which I guess is understandable. They told me that I could stay on the team but not as a captain, if I wanted, and I said goodbye. And so ends my high school dance team career, which I could not be happier about. And walking away from it all, I feel very good. I'm quite happy with this decision, and I know that I stuck to my beliefes. To quote shakespeare, "above all to thine owne self be true." and I was, in everyway. I didn't tell the girls that we were going to win when I didn't think we were, I didn't pretend that I liked what was going on, or how things were being handled, I didn't pretend that I wanted to devout every waking moment to dance team, and I didn't pretend that everything was happy-go-lucky. I deffinantly felt like some of the girls did that only to keep their position on the team, and that's okay, because in the end you'll never get what you want if you don't ask. And at least I asked. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I no longer have to try and guess what the coaches want from me, I am free from that burden. In the end we parted ways because in essence, I was bringing the team down. But at the same time the team was bringing me down. The last couple weeks I have been so miserable, and unhappy, I can't wait to get back to how things were. Not to say that everything will be rainbows and butterflies, but at least now I don't have this big black cloud always hanging in the back of my mind, taking over everything, not giving me a moments rest. Honestly for the past couple weeks the only thing I can think about is dance team, and I just have the most negative thoughts in the world. But now it is done, and I can move on. will I miss it? no. Will I be sad if they win state, no. Instead I will be happy for the girls, and all their hard work, but for me I will be happy that I made the right decision.

"I want to live where soul meets body"

2005-11-19T23:14:00.000-08:00

Today sucked. Hands down the crappiest day of the week. Acctually the rest of this week was pretty good, Friday being excellent, but today sucked. Almost everything about it sucked. I was in a bad mood, and just couldn't get out of it. I had no motivation to do anything, and almost any time I was anywhere I didn't want to be there. I just felt akward most of the day. All day I was so negative, and after a while it just wears on you. But at the same time, it's so hard to get out of moods like that, because I'm negative, and then it pisses me off because I know there's no good that can come from it, and then I'm just more pissed off and more negative, and it's just a vicious cycle.
And by the end of the day things were all ready crappy enough, and what I predicted came true: we got our asses kicked at competition. And me being the person that I am I hate to lose, I'll just tell you that now, and that's not even the worst part. The thing is that I think our team is talented enough to win and do really well, but our routines sucked. They didn't fit their category, they weren't hard, and they were either too busy or boring. And I saw that coming from when we started them, so that pissed me off even more. And then it just went down hill from there. First one thing, then another, and then yet another. Today sucked, and I'm glad it's done. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm going to bed.

blah blah blah

2005-11-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

So I was looking back through my blog, to see what I last complained about, and I saw that I had a comment from someone named Mr. Morast. At first I was a little creeped out, but then I got really excited because alia and I have been trying to get him on the web to make a myspace so he can find this one teacher from dance team camp who was one of his students a long time ago, and said she had the biggest crush on him. Anyways, long story short I thought it was him, and that he was acctually doing the internet thing, but I was wrong. it's just some old guy who I've never met. Too bad.
In other news swim team has started, and it's so hard. It's probablly the hardest thing I've done in a really really long time. That's not saying much. But At the same time it's really fun, so even though it's hard, I don't mind.
On another note, I cannot understand some people. They go out and make fools of themselves over the weekend, and then when the school is buzzing about it on monday (usually in a negative way) all of a sudden they get all pissed off when people start trash talking them. Here's a hint: if you act like trash, people will treat you like that. Simple as that. and that's all I'm going to say about that.
Next I have a problem with the girls who for weeks bash and bad mouth someone, and then all of a sudden they are best friends. what the hell is that? I'm not really sure. maybe they just never took the time to get to know them in the first place, or maybe they're just fake and want more "friends." here's another hint: those bitches you beome friends with by showering them in compliments, and kissing their asses.... they really don't give a shit about you, and when you're in need it's going to be the friends who have been there all along. It amazes me how quickly people forget that. And at the same time kind of pisses me off. Because they kind of forget about their real friends, and then when they're having a crisis, and all their so called "new friends" have desserted them, all of a sudden their old friends are expected to step in and help them pick up the peices of their life. another hint: wearing abercrombie does not make you special, being a slut does not make you attractive, being orange does not make you tan.

Put down your addiction,and pick up the love.

2005-11-06T15:54:00.000-08:00

Two unsuccessful college essays later I have acomplished nothing. How hard could it be to write an essay about myself? I mean it should be the easiest thing in the world, seeing as I'm around myself everysingle second of everysingle day. But alas it's not at all. It's really hard, I never know what to include and what not to inclue. Everything seems so normal to me, so it's hard to decide what other people will find intersting. baahhhhh! The one thing this process has made me realize is how much the people around me affect me. How much the people in my life have shaped me and made me the person I am today. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but for right now I'm going to go with that's a good thing. I wonder if I've had an influence on anyone? I mean I"m around people all the time, so I wonder if any of them are different because of me, because I know I'm different because of them. I think it's safe to say that no one person that I've met hasn't had at least a little tiny affect on me, even if only for a moment, they have changed me in some way. I think it's interesting the different sides of people that come out in different sittuations. this weekend I saw some different sides of people, some good, and some not so good, but all interesting. Some were very positive, and made me think of the person in a very different light, others not so positive, and yet, I still see them in the same good light I saw them before. Does this mean I'm not really as cynical as I claim to be? Does this mean that I really do try to see the good in people? probablly not.
Well I think I will leave you with a little reminder from Nada Surf: "always love, hate will get you everytime"

boring

2005-11-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

this week has postivily flown by. I blinked and it was thursday. I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing, it may just be neutral. It wa sso odd because on tuesday I woke up thinking it was friday and how happy I was that the week was over, and then a couple seconds later realized, that I still had a whole week in front of me. But tomorrow that feeling will be real. Last high school football game ever tomorrow night, how sad is that? I hope where ever I go for college they have a football team, but even if they do, it still won't be the same. Man senior year is going by really quickly and I'm sure as soon as the holidays start it will really start to fly. We already got our order forms for our caps and gowns today. I can't believe that the first quarter has already gone by, and guess who hasn't finished a single college application yet? if you guess me, then you're right. I freaking suck! but htis weekend no matter what saturday I'm sitting down and finishing at least one, hopefully two, and then sunday I'll do some more. There are so many distractions though, it's so tempting to just go out all the time, and not care, but then I realize, oh wait, this is my futer on the line, I guess it really is important. The thing is that even when I'm home I don't do anything. I just sit around and nap or watch tv, how lazy am I? I really like this whole moving the clocks back an hour thing, it tricks me into thinking it's a lot later tat in acctualy is, so I end up getting a lot more done. It's quite nice. yeah my life is boring right now. so i'll come back when I acctually have somethign to say.

who are you? and where did you come from

2005-11-02T22:44:00.000-08:00

All and all I'd say it's been a decent last week, or two. My dog is much better, Halloween was a blast, and swim team starts next week.
Now as you may know, some people feel that halloween is a childish holiday made soley for the purpose of fattening our youth. I on the other hand see so much more than that. Think about it it's the only holiday in which you get to carve squash, or make any sort of food art. And is it wasn't for halloween when would you ever get the chance to carve squash? Plus it's the one night a year where anyone can be anything they want and not feel ridiculous. The possiblities are endless, literally. I even saw a toilet costume this year, crazy eh? Lastly it's the one holiday that you go around and try to scare the piss out of people. I think it's quite possibly the best thing ever, but if disagree okay, that's fine.
This morning I had to get up at 4:00 am! It was for this earthquake preparidness drill thing at the hospital, and unfortunantly it wasn't nearly as cool as I thought it'd be, but hey I got a $10 gift certificate out of it, plus the getting up early will be good pratice for swim team.
I can't really think of anything else right now, I had something I had thought of earlier, but now I've forgotten.

Poor little dog

2005-10-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

Well my dog is at the vet's right now, and he has to stay there over night to get an ultra sound to see if he has nonvisible bladder stones, and if he does I don't know what's going to happen. My mom loves my dog just as much as the rest of us, but both of my parents are the kind of people who don't believe in spending 1500 dollars on a dog sugery. so yeah... that makes me really really really sad. I really hope he doesn't, because I love my dog more than almost anything in this world. He is the best, sweetest, most fun dog you could ever have. The only thing he has ever done is love unconditionaly. He never judges, and is always excited to see me. I dont' know what I'm going to do if he dies. I just pray, that everything will turn out okay, and he can get better.

The most perfec thing I've ever seen

2005-10-26T16:11:00.000-07:00

If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you areMaking a lake of the East River and Hudson
If I could open my mouthWide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name singAnd bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings.
I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines againI'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown [4x]
Your love is gonna drown [4x]
Your love is gonna...
-Death Cab For Cutie "Marching Bands of Manhattan"

I woke up from my nap today and it was raining extremely hard. I looked out my window as this song was playing, and everything smelled so fresh and clean, as if the earth was being cleansed of all the bad, and evil. My mood, the surroundings, and the music, for 4 minutes and 17 seconds were perfectly in harmony. For that amount of time everything was perfect. As I sat at my window pressed against the screne, taking in the scents and sounds of the rain, the music sank into my soul. As the song went along the sun came out, until by the end of the song the sun was shining full force, but still the rain fell. "But when the sun shines againI'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in." and as I wathed the small droplets of water run together to form little water falls that rushed down the shingles of the roof, and as the gutters filled, and puddles formed the music washed over me, like the rain itself. "But while you debate half empty or half fullIt slowly rises, your love is gonna drown ." Time stood still, nothing mattered, and life made sense. Words cannot describe how perfect it was, song cannot express the inner peace I felt, and man cannot recreate anything that special. It was amazing.

"if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied"

2005-10-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

I have great sympathy people who go through life with out passion. The people who don't know what they want from life, or how to get it. This makes me sad for them, because they are missing out. I've met people who have never felt strongly enough about anything to ever really want to try, and this in my eyes is the greatest tragedy ever suffered. How can you go through life with out ever loving something? I cannot image a life of indifferentness. There must be at least one thing that you feel something about, right? there must be a reason that you get out of bed. I think if I had no passion I would simply cease to exist. Life would be so blah and empty that there would be no reason to stay.

polly want a cracker?

2005-10-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Nothing drives me crazier than when you ask someone a question or their opinion and they tell you what they think you want to hear or exactly what you've told them you think. Honestly if I ask you what you're opinion is I want a truthful answer! Obviously I want to know what you think, I'm not fishing for compliments, and I don't need to be told what I think, I already know my take on the sittuation. You wouldn't believe how many times I find myself in conversations with people who are just repeating back what I say to them, and contradicting themselves while they're doing it. It's the most rediculous thing on earth, and it just makes me not even want to have a conversation at all. It really is quite frusterating, because if I want to talk to myself, I would, I don't need another person to do so. Just the other day I was discussing something and took up a copletely opposite point from the person I was talking to, and in the middle of the conversation they switched their position to fit mine. It made no sense at all, one minute they were spouting fire about something, and the next moment, they were in total agreeance with me. The other thing that bugs me just as much, if not more, is when you say something, and then later whom ever you said it to repeates it back to you, as if they had thought of it. My sister used to do this all the time but with jokes, I'd tell her a joke, and then a day later she'd tell it back to me! Hello! I know the punch line, I told you the joke in the first place! But other people tend to just copy little things I say, and it still irks me, because, umm, yeah you didn't think of that, I did, and now you're telling me, did you think I forgot already what I told you yesterday??? And the best part is, that they tend to repeat it more than once. I don't understand that at all. At least if you're going to repeat something I say to you, only do it once, I mean if you do it like 4 times, even if you had thought of it on your own I'd be annoyed, I don't need to hear something four times to remeber it.
I really appriciate people who have opinions and defend them. I'm not saying I love arguing, but I can appriciate someone who holds a different view point, and stands up for it. And for all of you who can't stand up for what you believe in, GROW A BACK BONE! have a nice day :)

It's so heavy.

2005-10-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like Hesperides (the greek god that held up the sky) not in that I feel like a god, but I feel like I'm holding up the sky. Right now I feel an enormous weight, pressing down on me, like a huge ball of dispair and hopelessness. I feel like there's no end to the pressure and everything is bad. That's right everything is bad. I've slowly watched my overall outlook and mood switch from postive and happy, to stressed, and cynical. It's amazing how quickly the shift took place too, it was only a matter of 1 month for everything to go from good and great, to shit and shitier. I feel as if this weight is slowly beating me down into the ground, until at some point I'm just going to be so low that the earth comes up around me finally covering my mouth, and then my eyes, then my hair, and then finally I will be completely covered. Not one part of me will show, I will be beneath the ground, and maybe at that point I can get some rest. I'm sure it will be cool and quiet down there, which will give me time to think and rest, and also maybe it will elivate some of that weight. Or maybe at that point the weight will be so great that it will simply crush me, and I will lay there crushed by the weight of life, ground into the ground. and all that will remain where I stood will be a huge ball of dissapointment, and failures.

Pet peves

2005-10-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

what to say, what to say? well there's a lot to say, but I'll censor myself, because high school is all about politics.... we'll just leave it at that. But yeah, pretty much. So anyways, I guess I'll bring up the subject of pet peves, because I always feel bad if I bring one of them up right after someone has commited one of these annoyances, cuz then it seem slike I'm singling them out, and I'm not at all, it just so happens that they reminded me how much I hate that one thing.
Pet Peve #1: I'd have to say my biggest pet peve is flaky people; bottom line, if you say you're going to call then do it, if you're not going to, then don't. Seriously this pisses me off so much, when you make plans with someone and they say they'll call you to confirm, and then never do. Pisses the hell out of me, because I'm not the type to be rude and just blow someone off, so I feel an obligation to stay and wait for them to call, and when they don't it's a huge waist of time. And honestly I'd much rather have you not tell me you're going to call, becaues then you're not lying, and also I'm not waisting my time waiting for a call you never "got around to" making. I think it's probablly one of the rudest things people can do, and even if you're just calling to say, no I can't hang out, that's fine! I'd much rather have that than just not know what happend to you and an apology later. An apology later at least let's me know that you feel bad, but it still pisses me off.
hmm...what else?
Pet peve # 2: I'd have to say second biggest pet peve is people who complain about someone behind their back, and act like they dont' like them, but then really their friends with them. That's so shitty, if you just say you don't like someone because that's what a group consensus is, you're such a shitty friend, and I deffinitly don't want someone like you defending my name. I think that's probablly one of the down right crappiest friend moves you can make, if you're embarassed to be friends with someone, then you suck. If you care that much about what people think you really need to get a life, and make some real friends who won't judge you so much.
Pet Peve #3: people who always have to be in the right place at the right time. You know those people; they'll drop anything their doing, ditch anyone they're with to be somewhere "more fun" or "cooler". These people also suck, because most of them time when they're hanging out with people they're just biding their time waiting for something fun to come along. Guess what? bored people are boring. So if you're always sitting around thinking, jeeze I'm so bored, it's probablly because A) fun people don't want to be around you, because you bring them down B) you're too lazy/nervous/I dont' even know what, to get off your ass and make a call to someone else for a chang, instead of waiting for people to call you. C) you're way too concernd about doing things that may not be cool, so you prevent yourself from having fun.
Pet Peve #4: lazy people. if you're going to do something, don't half ass it. And if you do half ass it, dont' complain how half ass your results are. You'll get out of anything what ever you put into it.
Well so now you know a couple things to try to avoid doing at least while you're around me, hope you have a very nice day.

Just be nice!

2005-10-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to lie, I'm not in a very good mood, and for quite a good reason. I'll probablly go to bed soon too, because I am quite tired. I don't know if I have english homework, and I may decide to check, but we'll see. I deffinantly won't be doing my math homework, or human bio, what a dedicated student right? OH and guess what else? I missed the dead line to turn in one of the shcolarship things, and then today was the last day to turn in my application for the summer job at a USA dance team camp, so that's gone. grrr, I'm really mad about that! I completely forgot until today! And that's just the first two deadlines I've missed, I really hope this isn't a sign of things to come. I need to get my shit together, there's so freaking much going on right now, it's insane, and everyday that goes by is a day that I haven't done enough, and haven't finished things.
Oh and by the way, girls are bitches. Seriously just be nice to eachother! I dont' understand why we can't do it, but I guess it's just not in our nature. I dont' know, but after a while it get's old. I'm not saying I don't do it, no not at all, I'm just saying htat's the way things are and it sucks. AHHH Instead of an all girls college I need to go to an all guys college, that would be a million and a half times better. that is if I ever get any of my applications in! jeeze!

And then I awoke in a pool of drool

2005-10-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when you're trying to stay awake to watch something, and then you fall asleep right before it comes on? Well that happened to me today, I was flipping through the tv chanles and I was thinking there was nothing on, and so my last resort was some best of show on VH1, and during the commerical I flipped back to TRL, and low and behold they were having some sort of dancing contest, but I had missed the acctual dacing part. So then Madonna eliminated one person, and they said right after the break we'd see the dancers go at it one more time, and I really wanted to watch it, but all of a sudden a sudden wave of intense tiredess washed over me. At first I was like, I have to stay awake, it's only one commerial break. But then I started getting more and more tired, so I decided I'd just shut my eyes until the comerical break was over. Then all of a sudden I awoke to the laguna beach theme song, and worst of all I had been drooling in my sleep. lol. honestly how bumish is that? to fall asleep and wake up drooling. Also I was so careful this morning to put on my shirt and not get any deoderant on it, and first period was fine, and then I went to dance team where in my haste to get dressed I just threw on my shirt, deffinantly getting deoderant all over it. Classy eh? I swaer I am the absolute worst at that. Oh well. what ya gonna do? Some people are charming and classy, I on the other hand am cynical and, ummm.....not so classy?

"What would you say if I took those words away?"

2005-10-12T16:39:00.001-07:00

It's so frustraiting that the moment you think you've got something down, things always get a lot harder. Like this english deal, I thought I was doing well, and I had AP I figured out. I could handle pretty much anything that was thrown at me, but now that we're in AP II I fell like everything is just so different. I feel like I'm starting back at square one. Same with government, I thought since I took history that I would know how to study and write essays for this class, but it's completely different, and I feel so lost. I don't even know what format I'm supposed to write in. And I thought I sort of understood the material, but then today we had a big test, and just the way everything was worded made it so hard, I'm pretty sure I failed that test. You know, that's a horrible feeling, knowing before you're even done taking a test that you failed it. Speaking of tests I have a math test tomorrow, and it's going to set the tone for the rest of the year. Limits are the hardest thing for me, so if I can make it through this one, I know I'll be okay.
I feel like everyday gets more and more busy, pretty soon there will be no time left at all, and I'll just be going from activity to activity. I don't know how long I'm going to last. The past couple days I've been feeling better I go to school and feel like I've gotten enough sleep, but some weeks I go, and everyday it just get's harder and harder to get up and then stay awake. I come home from school most days and sleep for at least and hour or two. Then with swim team starting in November I'll have to start getting up really early. That's going to be a real test of intestinal fortitude. But I've decided that I am going to try it at least. And hopefully just my competitive nature can keep me going. it's only 4 months give or take a coupel weeks, so I think I can do it.
college seems closer than ever, and yet still so far away. The mountain of applications looks like Everest down here, and I just don't know how I'm ever going to get through them. I just keep telling myself, that they will get done and eventually it will all be done with. The only problem is that they won't do themselves, and they're not like a dumb homework assignment that you can BS at the last minute, I'm going to have to sit down and take time and look at each one individually. I think I'm in over my head. Most of the colleges I'm applying to look so hard to get into, what am I doing? And all of a sudden the East coast seems so cold, where as California looks really warm and inviting. So many decisions, well acctually that is yet to be determined, because I don't know how many options I have until I send in my applications.... just pray for fat envelopes.
Also I've decided disecting things really is gross. I have no desire to see what's on the inside of a chicken bone ( which happens to be marrow that looks like blood and guts that spills out everywhere.) Acctually I have no desire to see what any living thing looks like on the inside. None what so ever.
I'd have to say I'm pretty happy right now. Everything is going well, even though I'm constantly complaining about being too busy, we all know I have such bad ADHD that if I wasn't doing this many things I'd go into a self destruct mode. And fortunantly we don't have school on friday, so tomorrow is the last day of the week. Praise the LORD! Yes even I have to recharge. I feel like I'm repeating myself, probablly cuz I am, you see I did this post in two different stages, the first part I was going along and doing, and then I went down stairs for something, got side tracked, ended up watching tv and then taking my sister to dance. When I returned hours later I realized what I had done, and just published the blog after losing my train of thought. but now I'm back, because I really wasn't done. Hmmm... what else? Oh tomorrow is the last trash night ever for football. How cool is that, seniors had perfect timing, because next year the sports devisions will be different and we'll be 5A, while jesuit will be 6A, hey maybe they'll have a chance at acctually winning more than one of their games next year. Oh and dance team will be dancing, which I am really looking forward to. Football games are probablly one if not the most fun part of dance team. If it wasn't for football games I don't know if I'd do it. In other news, dance team is acctually going quite well right now. Even though we are maybe a little behind, I have a good feeling about our fall season. And pretty soon we're going to add the boys into novelty which will be really fun. Anways, I have lots more homework to do I'm going to get going.

black and white is so underrated

2005-10-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

Good God I live for days like today! As much as I go on and on about how much I love summer, I must admit that fall is a wonderful time as well. There's nothing better than a clear fall day, like today. The sun was shinning, it wasn't horribly cold (though I do like those days) and the tree's leaves ahve started chaning. Oh how I love it! I took my dog for a wlak, and it just made me happy to be alive. Also I got a really good nap, and was jut in a great mood. Today was wondrful, and there are only tow more days left this week!

Dear Sally, I have a problem...

2005-10-09T23:40:00.000-07:00

So you know those advice colomns that are like, " oh i like a boy but he doesn't notice me, what should I do?" they always have some remark like, just be bold, and ask him out, guys love that, yadda yadda yadda, but they never seem to have advice for when your plan backfires. what do you do when he laughs in your face, and then you're heart broken and it's so akward around him, and you just want to transfer schools? what then? Yeaht hta't what I thought, they don't have an answer. Also I've noticed that they never have any questions that acctually need answering. They never show the girl who wrote in"I'm 30 years old, overweight, have 3 1/2 boobs, and haven't been laid, what should I do?" Why do they never feature questions like this? because a) it doesn't really apply to most of the public. B) It would probablly gross people out. And c) what can you even say to someone like that? honestly. I think I should be an advice colomnist when I grow up, it would be such an easy job. You just tell people the obvious, but pretend that it'll work out. You don't have enough money? apply for more jobs! but fail to mention that it's realy really hard to get a job. Or maybe I could be a realist colomn writer, so if someone asks like: "I really like my coworker, but I'm nervouse aobut asking him out, what should I do?" instead of the usual crap they print, I'd answer with the truth: you have two options, bone him and make it akward when you guys brake up/ never work out, or just get over it. See if colomnists wrote thigns like that people would be a lot more depressed, but they'd have a more realistic veiw of things. Or if someone writes in, "I have really low self esteem, what should I do?" well obviously you know you have a problem, so fix it. If you think your hair sucks, buy a wig. If you're fat, stop eating, If your boobs are too small buy a push up bra, or implants. see it's really easy. But people are trained today to be tactful, and polictially correct, so they probablly would have told this poor girl some bull shit like: " everyone is beautiful, and it doesn't matter what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside. try focusing on your good features." common! we all know it does matter how pretty you are, pretty people get further in life, they're offered more jobs, get things more easily, and get paid more. And on top of that, why would you focus on your "good features"? you alreayd said you sucked, so they're probablly not that good, why not instead just make everything better? You'd be amazed with the things you can do with enough money.

mmm sleep...

2005-10-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

I don't think how much sleep you get really matters, it only seems to matter how late you sleep in. Because I've noticed, that I can get 9 hours of sleep and wake up at 7:00 and be really tired, or I can get 7, wake up at 10:00 and feel completely refreshed. Maybe it's because it's harder to go to sleep for me than most people, so when I do go to bed early I just lay awake and I'm not acctually getting any more sleep?
Anyways, todays out look is bleak. I see miles of homework stretching out in front of me, a room that desperatly needs cleaning, and thank you notes that have to be written. I don't really mind the last one, I like sending people letters/notes, especially if they're really personal, I think people really do like them. That's the only sad thing about the extinction of the letter. You have to admit that getting a letter is a million times cooler than getting an e-mail, but like many other traditions that are just no longer practical, it just takes too long. And makes it harder to respond, and makes huge comminication gaps. I don't even know how long it takes a letter to get anywhere. If I sent a letter today, just by regular mail, no over night stuff or anything like that, I would expect it to arrive probablly a week later, but in all honesty I have no idea how long it would take it to get to its desitnation. Another odd thing is that with the letter teetering on the brink of non-existance, the "note" became really popular. Remeber in middle school, and possibly freshman year, or maybe even sophmore year for some of you, how you'd sit in class and write your friends notes? Thinking back that was so weird, and such a horrible waist of time. First you'd have to write one to all your closes friends, and they'd all say pretty much the same thing: hey I'm sitting in class right now, super bored, and I'm writing you a note. First off who even bother's to write that? I mean obviously you're sitting in class, I just saw you two mintues ago as you walked in there, then on top of that, and then to go on to say you're writing a note? DUH! I'm sitting here reading it. But back then none of these things were questioned, they were just accepted. The next oddity of the note was the launguage, everything started out with, hey "babe" or (gross gross gross gross gorss) "babes". Who says that? seriously that's so disgusting, that we acctually wrote stuff like that. Anyways, the whole thing was weird,because at passing time, you'd hand out all your notes, and then collect all the ones people wrote to you, then tell them what you wrote to them about, then go to your next class, read them and respond. it really is such an unefficient way to communicate, and honestly there was never anything too scandelous in there, and if there was, you already new every juicy detail before you even opened the note.
Even though it was dumb, and weird, a lot of people kept all of their notes. I know people who have boxes of notes that they got from people. Only a girl would keep stuff like that, and girls always seem to keep stuff in boxes. There are note boxes, and ex-boyfriend boxes, and picture boxes, and anything and everything that reminds them of a special time. I'd say I really don't have boxes, but I do have pictures. That's really how I document everything, and I love it, picture albums and scrap books are my favorite thing to look through. other than that though I don't keep too many sentimental items. Welll, I take that back, I keep cards, I have a bag full of them, (weird I wonder why it's not a box?) But you'd be surpised some of the things girls keep, but I think it's neat, so if you do that kind of stuff, good work.

Would you rather.......?

2005-10-09T01:31:00.000-07:00

So this wekeend we had another really sad football game, and the worst part was the fans! all we have is school spirit, so when that goes away, we're left with nothing! Oh well next week is a home game, and we will get trampled again. serioulsy the metro leauge schedual this eyar sucked, this will be our 3rd really bad game in a row. OH well after that we should have a couple games that we win.
Today has been a really tiring day, I don't know why, but I've been tired all day, and kind of in a bad mood. well not really a bad mood, but just kind of, I duno how to explain it... ummm tired... and not wanting to do anything? oh right: Lazy, that's the word for it.
Oh and so today I started my SAT class, and I can't decide if I like the other kid who's taking it or not. I think he's the kind of guy that I will be able to tollerate, but he's kind of lazy, which annoys me since he signed up for this class, and is paying an ass load of money. It's one thing to take a high school class, that's free, and really boring, but it's a whole different thing to sign up for private tutouring, and spend a whole lot of money on it, and then not even want to try. What??? I don't get it! Oh and he's from beaverton, so it was like, hey you guys killed us last night, way to go! And being the really judgmental person I am, probablly all of this is an unfair biased snap second judgment, and later I"ll find out that this kid is way cool.
And my friends suprised me tonight with a belated birthday dinner. They were so sneaky about it too! I was completely suprised, and it was great. Then we went ot nicole's and had some good cosmopolitan time. All and all it was a great night. and hey this whole extended curfew thing, is wonderful! I love it!

Stop acting like you're all grown up

2005-10-06T21:31:00.000-07:00

Adults: they are so rediculous! You would think because they're older they'd be more mature, but that's not the case at all. You know whne you're little and you think adults are prefect? I used to think that they new everything, and were perfect drivers, and never got jelouse, or acted petty, or got wound up in drama, or aything like that. But they do. It really is quite amazing, as you get older, how much you realize that they are just people, petty, insecure, greedy people like the rest of us. And no matter how much they try and act like they're better than us, they're exactly the same. The hypocrasy, and stupidity of it all leaves me in shock. what ever, i just hoep that I don't end up like that.
Speaking of getting older, everyone is getting their senior pictures back, it's so cool, everyone looks all grown up, and I must say I have some really attractive friends. Good work.
Oh and today I went to give blood. I was really nervous at first, but then not at all when I got there. But as soon as she started testing my iron for some reason I knew it would be too low, and it was, and I coudlnt' give blood. It's weird, today I've just known what was going to happen before it happend, all day. It started off, first periodm Mr. powle was calling on people to talk, and I just knew, before he even drew the first number that it was going to be me. Then he was putting us in groups, and somehow I knew when he called Alex's name that I was going to be in the group, and then that Gina would be in our group too. It was weird. Probablly just because my iron was low it gave me some sort of super human power to predict the futer, guess I should have bet on some horses today.

stupid people, stupid teachers, stupid procrastination, stupid stupid stupid, the story of my life

2005-10-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

Jeeze, I'm in a bad mood right now, and guess what like always it's most my fault. I freaking hate when I've made up my mind to do something, and then for some reason or other I can't. Seriously it drives me crazy, maybe it's OCD, but seriously, tonight around like 6 I was like hmm I really want to go and do that scrap booking, I'm not doing anything else. So then I go and try to print off the pictures of our computer, which doesn't work, and is waisting a lot of paper, and just really really pissing me off. Then I have to look at colleges, and I still don't freaking know for sure which ones exactly I want to apply to, and then there's also the scholarship application that's due soon, the summer job application that's also due soon, the SAT stuff I have to do, dance team crap, and just so much stuff and all th deadlines are coming and I'm freaking out! And at first it was like yeah I'm so excited for college, but now it's like, wait what? I don't want to leave. And it just looks so daunting, all the schools I'm looking at look so freaking hard, and I just don't even know if I'm good enough. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I hate rejection. I can't take it. I'll admit it, I hate rejection so much it's to the point where most of the time if I don't think I can do it, I won't even try, cuz if you don't try no one can tell you you're not good enough right? damn it. And what if I apply to all these schools, and work so hard on the applications and don't get in to any, and end up stuck here in Oregon? what then? That's such a bad scary thought, what if I end up with out choices? Or what if I make the wrong choice? then what? I'm skrewed. This is the story of my life. I seriously cannot take it, rejection is my biggest fear. Look 18 years of living here, and what have I accomplished? fuck if i know. I can't say that I've done one thing that's just absolutly amazing. Not a single thing. There are things I'm good at, but there isn't one thing that I'm the best at. And guess what? I am reminded of that every single day. And after a while, it just makes it easier not to try. I'm sort of happy right now, I don't want things to change, but I can tell they're going to. Why is it that when ever things start goign good, they always change? And it never seems to be for the better. It's just always, I think I'm finally gettin a handle on things, and starting to get into the groove of things, when BAM! Everythign falls to shit. Not saying that it's quite to that point yet, but I can tell it will be soon. I can feel the onset of dissapointment. It comes every year with the rain. Everything is so close. So very very close, I can feel it, everything I've been working for is just out of my reach, but as everyday goes by I can see it slipping further and further away. And that makes me want to just stop reaching for it, because if I pretend I didn't want it in the first place I can' t be sad when it doesn't work out.

where has the day gone?

2005-10-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

Well homecoming was a hit, I had a good time. There was food, and music, and dancing, and sleep; that's when you know all is right in the world. I must say though it was hotter than hot in the gym, and perfect out side, clear and cold, but other than that everything was wonderful. The dinner reservation turned out perfect, we ended up having exactly 20 people, and there were no hitches. Suprisingly there was no drama either, well at least not that I heard of, so that's pretty amazing, and wonderful at the same time. the game on the other hand was not as successful. The other team scored in the first 15 second (we started with the ball) and by half time the score was 57 to zip. Fortunantly they put in their second string and only scored one more touchdown, and we scored on them, so it wasn't a shut out. Oh and the parade, I forgot all about it, but I'll give you the jist of it: rain, rain, and more rain. It rained the whole way to the parade, and seeing as the corvets the senior class got were two seaters most of the boys had to walk along in the rain while the girls got to ride in the car. Some of the cars still put their tops down, but others (like ours) kept their tops up. And because we're creative we managed to fit all three people (including the driver) into our corvet. It was tight, I ended up laying on the consol, but in the end it worked out, beause we got to the game and were warm and dry, where as everyone else was really really went and cold. And wouldn't you know not 10 minutes after we got undercover and the game started the rain stopped, but of course the moment we went out on the feild at half time it started raining again. All of the rain and losing aside, it was still quite a fun night. It's sad to think that that's the last (high school) homecoming I'll go to. But it was a good one, so it's okay.
But today, today has been sooo slow. I don't even know where all the time has gone, it seems just an hour ago I was waking up. I have done pretty much nothing all day, the only think I can say I've done is take a practice SAT at my house, for this SAT class I'm starting next week. Other than that I haven't done anything, I'm acctually still in my pajamas, weird. I usually hate doing that, but today I'm completely okay with it. I think it's the rain, it makes me depressed and tired. Oh I just thought of something that I've done today, I dusted and vaccumed. Which isn't saying much, because I suck at dusting. Pretty much I'm the last person you want to dust your house, because frankly I just don't care, and never do a very good job. Oh heres a thought, did you know that dust is 90% human skin? gross huh? but neat, I always wondered what dust was made of, and I found out last week in human bio. We're always shedding skin cells, and when they fall off they make dust. So now if someone asks you, is there anything that's made up of 90% dead skin cells? you can answer, "why yes there is, it's dust."
So now that homecomings done with the next thing to look forward to is halloween. I know it may seem early to think about that, but common I gotta have something to look forward to in October. Another thing to look forward to (but isn't as close) is deathcab, which I am deffinantly going to with Michelle, and I cannot wait, because it will be amazing!
Other than that the only thoughts I have is that I realy want to get all my pictures off the computre and acctually scrap book them, but I don't know when I'll have time to do that. So I guess that's all for now.

Women leaders.... their different from the rest of us

2005-09-29T23:09:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking about it, and most women leaders are either A) hard asses who will stop at nothing to get their way, or B) Cunning and Manipulative individuals who stop at noting to get their way. This is not to say that the same doesn't apply for some men, but the reality is we live in a world run by men, so the women who do break into the top teir of leaders and such tend to fall into these two categories. Why? because they have to. Anways so I was thinking I'd much rather fall into group B, because if you're really good you can get people to think they want to do what you're getting them to do, or if you're really really good, you can make people think that they thought of doing what you wanted them to do on their own. Make sense? Well also people tend to dislike hard asses, even though they do tend to get stuff done, but why be mean when you can just be manipulative? seriously? why yell at someone to do something when you can just convince them that they acctually want to do what ever task is at hand? They're way more likely to complete the job that way, and will probablly work a lot harder on it. Now don't go away from this thinking that I'm some freak bent on world domination, cuz I'm really not, this just happened to be an observation of how the world runs, and what I'd do if I was in that sittuation.
On a different subject, I've decided I deffinantly like hanging out with guys and girls seperate. It just never works when they're together. Because while guys and girls both gossip they do it in very different ways, and the styles seem to clash. Boys cannot admit that they gossip, they just can't. They desgise it by saying that they were just joking, or just making it seem like normal conversation. Which in reality it is. I read a newspaper article that emphasized the importance of gossip, in guys and girls, talking about how it gives us outside information about people that we may not other wise get. It also said that most gossip was true, and that everyone does it. So there' s no use in denying it boys, you do it too! Anyways, back to the main point, I like hanging out with guys and girls seperate. Girls provide support, understanding, and advise, whil guys provide a different perspective, and generally a good time. But as anything there must be balance, because no matter what there's always too much of a good thing. And to completely contradict myself, I'd say that it acctually does work to have guys and girls in groups together.... sometimes. But it has to be the right people, cuz if it's not then there will be weird tensions, and things usually tend to end up crappier than they needed to be. But honestly I don't know why I'm telling you this, because I'm sure you either A) already knew with or B) completely disagree with me.

after a while it get's old being treated like shit for no reason

2005-09-26T21:46:00.000-07:00

So pretty much I feel as crappy as possible. I'm pretty sure I can't feel any more hurt or mad. More hurt than mad. Acctually more defeted than anything. I dont' even understand why she doesn't like me, but that's just how it's been from the start. And persistantly she's found ways to tear me down, and make me feel not good enough, and tonight was the pinical of it all. I felt like shit, really tired, and hungry, and wasn't expecting anything, and bam! I am blindsided by agression out of no where. I didn't see it coming, but I should have. I guess by now I should just be used to dissapointment, but after a while it just sucks. I can't even do anything about it, because it will only make the sittuation worse. I came in with a strike against me for some reason, and have done nothing but give 110% haven't said anythign bad, except that I was aprehensive with progress, but I think everyone was, and what do I get for that, cold stares, and harsh words. After a while it's just so hard to go on trying, when people tear you down before they even give you a chance. That's what sucks the most, I didn't even get a chance. So pretty much I give up, you win, You've broken me. I have no desire any more to help or even try. apparently that won't get you anywhere. So you know what, just leave me alone, I don't know what your problem is, but I'm sorry that I was part of it, and that you couldn't be mature enough to get over that. I don't want to try, I don't want to work, I don't want to do it anymore. I just want it to be done with. I can't wait to get out of highschool and never have to see these people again. I never want to even hear their names again. I'm going to move far away, and go on to do much bigger and better things than them, and I just pray that I dont turn out like that. I pray to god that I don't sit around and make highschoolers cry. If that's what my life ever comes to I might as well just give up, because that's the most pethetic thing I've ever heard. I have one more year, and I'm gone. The only question is, can I keep my mouth shut long enough to keep out of trouble? I hope so. I came in thinking I could change things, and now, I realize that no you can't change it, it is bigger than one person, bigger than 10 people. It is what it is, and always will be. I'm just glad I won't be a part of it after this year.

"It's always better when we're together"

2005-09-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

Yes it was only a matter of time before I fell in love with the sweet smooth lyrics of jack johnson. That said, lemme think, what's been happening in the ever exciting life of megan? Hmmm, not a whole lot. which is odd, because I've been so busy the last couple weeks I don't even know where the time goes. It seems there is not enough time in a day, so my nights get cut short, and my sleeping has been compensating. Now for those of you who think sleeping is a waist of time, I say being on the internet is a waist of time, and look I am here none-the-less. And I don't think sleeping is a waist of time, I think it is one of the best uses of time I can come up with. So in concusion, I am very deeply saddened by my lack of sleeping time over the past couple weeks. Wow that was pretty much the most round-about way possible of saying, "I wish I had more time to sleep."
Oh I just remebered there has been events taking place that are worth noting. I had my birthday on thursday, so now I can legally, buy cigars, porn, and lotto tickets, I can go to jail, I can vote, I can stay out as late as I want, I can go dancing at 18 and over clubs, and I can have sex with old people. That aside, just because it's legal doesn't mean I would want to, or will be allowed to. Acctually most of that stuff I'm pretty sure I won't be allowed to do, and there's no point in fighting the man (my parents) on these issues, because they pay the bills. With out them I am a homeless bum with no money, and I like my life now. So at least until I'm self supported I won't be partaking in the majority of those privilages.
ummm... oh yeah pretty much everyone has gone to college now, and it's really sad. I feel like I didn't get to really say goodbye to any of them, and I know they're not that far away but some of those people I will never see again.
Speaking of college, I'm getting really excited to pick where I'm going, or at least to apply. I'm really afraid that I may not get into any of the colleges that I'm applying to, and then I would be stuck somewhere I don't want to be. that would be bad. But fingers crossed.
I feel like I always talk about the same things because I have nothing else to talk about. Let's see, there are the topics of: school, boys, dance, and dance team, that's it. Sad. I also complain wayyyy to much on here. Cuz really my life isn't that bad at all
I went and saw the lion king today, and that was amazing! it was so neat, who ever directed that is a genious, those costumes, and set, it was so cool. If I could make anything even remotely that spectacular I would feel fufilled.
Also I have a freaking second degree burn on my butt. Well I don't know what exactly constitues a second degree burn, if it means that it has to blister, then it's not quite there, but it freaking hurts, and it's raise, like if you burnt yourself on an oven or somethng, an it's really really bright red. See I have always had this fear of burning my butt really badly in a tanning bed, because my butt has never seen the sun. So I always make sure it's covered, becaues it's as white as paper. Well last time, a little strip of it was exposed, and so now, I have a bright red band right below my pants line, it's pretty painful. I'm so glad that I'm not one of those really really white people who gets those kinds of burns all over their bodies, because that would hurt extremely bad. And that would just suck. I have a new found empethy for those people.
Also homecoming is next weekend, Im so excited! football is so fun this year, just because I'm a senior and I know it's my last year, and all my friends are really into it, and it's just a really good time. I know there is very little chance we will win, but I'm staying positive, I think we may just be able to pull off a miracle, I have a feeling. But hey who knows that could just be the burn on my butt I'm feeling. But in all seriousness, I have a good feeling about friday's game.
Monday's goernment test though, not such a good feeling, seeing as I havent' done my homework. but I still have time, I haven't gone to bed yet. Well I better go start that. so long for now.

Get out of the shower!

2005-09-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

what the flip!? I came upstairs, and my sister get's in the shower, she's now been in there for like umm atleats 30 minutes, jeeze! I want to take a shower, and you may ask why I don't go in my parents bathroom? well the answer is simple: My shampoo is in our bathroom, and I don't like to use theirs. I know it's stupid and way too picky for someone who's complaining, but what ever. Suprisingly though, I don't really have any other complaints, which is unusual. Wait, I lied, I have one itty bitty complaint. So I keep getting these darn adds on my blog in the form of comments, and it's annoying. There look, I'm done complaining, I have absolutly nothing else to complain about, my life is great and wonderful. So I've started going tanning (started today), and I'm not goign to turn into one of those people who always tans, but I think going like once a week would be good for me, because I get really depressed in the winter, and my skin turns yellow, and I just get really down, so maybe this will help. I was in there today, and it was really really weird. It's not like I've never been tanning before, but this time was so weird. Usually I half fall asleep and then just wake up eventually, and that happened this time, but like instead of waking up, I'd twitch, and then I felt really weird. I dont' even know how to explain it, but it was almost like I was dizzy, but I was laying down, so yeah... I really can't explain it. But anyways it happend like 3 times, it was quite honestly the weirdest feeling ever. Speaking of other weird things, I've been waking up the last couple days because at some point in my sleep I start breath through my mouth, (which I never do) and then my throat gets so dry I can't breath. Like the night before last night I was having a dream about dance team, (strange I know) but yeah, and so I was trying to teach the team the kick line, but we were all in this kind of narrow long hall, and no one was listening, and I was trying to yell to get people's attention, but I couldnt' because my throat was so dry. And in the dream I was like, jeeze, why is my throat so dry, and then I woke up because I couldn't breath, and my mouth was open, and my throat was dry as a bone. That happened this morning too, only minus the dream. And it's just odd, because I am fine during hte day, and then I lay down and I can't breath, or even if I can when I go to sleep, at some point while I'm sleeping I can't, and it's frustraiting, because I don't know what's causing it, so I don't know how to fix it.
In other news, this weekend should be fun, we have our first home game, and then on saturday I want to go to the beach clean up (P.S. you shoudl coem beacuse it'll be really fun), and then on sunday we have race for the cure which should also be fun. So there are a lot of things to look forward to.

Depressing

2005-09-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

Man, a weekend that's only two days... that's no good. It feels like I don't have to go back to school, and it acctually is still summer, but I'm sure that feeling will be shaken the moment my alarm goes off tomorrow morning and I realize that I really do have to go back to school. This weekend has been okay as far as weekends go, not wonderful, but not bad by any means, just a little slow. I really don't know why but I just waist my day time, I suppose it's because I keep thinking I have endless amounts of time, when in reality it is only two short days. I did nothing yesterday except go to dance, and today I've spent the day laying around the house and doing homework. I really wanted to go to the air show, but the thing is I was supposed to clean the house this weekend, so I wasn't allowed to go out. And I suppose I could have done it yesterday and then just had today to relax, but me being the procrastinator that I am, I put it off to today. And with my homework and cleaning being left to today, that left no time to go see the airshow. what a shame. The worst part is I have no one to blame but myself.
So I was talking to one of my friends yesterday about how people are just shitty to him, and always blow him off, or just are mean to him, and that sucks so bad. I was thinking and I just really don't understand how people can be like that. Do they really have so many friends that they can afford to treat them like dirt? well if they do that must be an awful lot of friends, cuz I really can't imagine getting to the point of having so many friends that if some of them decided to not be my friend that I wouldn't care. Also I guess that means they really don't care about their "friends", cuz I can't imgine having a friend that I didn't care about. That sucks. Those people suck, and I wish they would get called out for their shitty actions more often, but it seems that in our society no wrong doing, or negative action is so great that we can't just forgive someone. I hate that. It doesn't matter what someone does to you, or how many times they ditch you, in the end most of us don't even say anything about it the next time we see them. We just go on pretending that it didn't happen. Sometime I'd say this is okay, like if they weren't feeling good, and just were too tired to call you back, but it's never just once. It's always the same people who don't return calls, or just flake out, and every single time we take them back as friends. And even if it does come up casually: "hey I called you, how come you didn't call back?" "oh sorry I was busy" we validate it by saying, "oh it's okay" when we all know it's really not. I think it's a common courtesy, even if you're really busy, to take two seconds and call someone and say, hey sorry I can't do anything today. But mannors seem to be a lot to ask from people these days. Everyone is so busy that mannors are quickly becoming a thing of the past, and rudeness is becoming the ever acceptable replacement. Is it really so much effort to say please and thank you? But it goes beyond that. People don't seem to be able to say no, instead they make an empty promise that they can't keep. I dont' understand that, if you can't hang out, then don't say you can. If you don't have any money to go see a movie, then don't say you will. It doesn't make sense. If your friends are true friends they will understand. Another thing that irks me are the people who make plans with one group of people (group A) but then finds out that another group of people (group B) is doing something that sounds more exciting. So then they make up some lie about having to go home, or something like that, and then go hang out with group B. That sucks most of all. These people really are scums. I mean not only to ditch someone, but to lie, and then go hang out with someone else, this is the lowest of lows. I don't even really remeber how I got on this subject, but oh well.
So there are a lot of thins I'm looking forward to, one that just so happens to be my birthday, but not just any birthday my 18th birthday. Woo hooo! I guess it really doesn't make that big of a difference, I mean it's just a number. If we didn't get any special privelages at this age it'd be just another birthday. Also I think it's kind of pointless that we keep track of our ages. Does it really matter how old you are? no I don't think so, I think it really matters how old you act. If we didn't keep track of ages people would naturally hang out with people who were around the same maturity level as them. Really that's all that matters. The only reason we have laws for age is because we think that people can't handle certain things until they're "mature" enough. But some people still aren't mature enough to have the age priveages they get by the time they're old enough. So if we didn't keep track of age, we could just have tests to test your maturity, and that's how it would be decided whether or not you'd get certain rights. I suppose this is more simple, but I duno, I think it's a neat thought to not have any ages. We'd have young, medium and old. No 18, 27 or 59.

I love the smell of boy

2005-09-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how smells can take you back to a time or place in an instant? tonight I was walking out from alia's house, and for some reason her drive way smelled like boy, and the scent mixed with the smell of the cold air imidiately made me feel safe. It's so strange, I can't even put my finger on which boy it smelled like, I have a vauge guess... but anyways, not the point, the point is that just the smell made me feel like he was there, and had I not had to go home for curfew, and had I been able to linger a little longer I'm quite sure I could have figured it out. And though I don't even remeber which one it was, it made me miss him. weird, I know, but I'm just senitmental like that.

It has begun

2005-09-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

So last week marked the offical start of school. Back to classes, and sports, and those people you haven't seen all summer. I have a feeling I'm really going to like senior year. So far I really like all my classes and teachers, so that's a plus. On the down side they decided to shorten passing time to 6 minutes, which may sound like plenty of time to get to class, which is it, but it leaves little to no socializing time in between. And you may say, "but isn't school for learning? You can socialize outside of school." and this is true, but common, most of us only wanted to go back to school to see those people you haven't seen all summer. And it's a little dissapointing when you get back only to find that you now don't have time to talk to them between classes. At least we have football games. Speaking of; we had our first football game of the year yesterday, and what a game it turned out to be. well acctually yesterday was an interesting day all together. It all started a coule weeks back, when I came out of a store and found a note on my windsheild... another note from the mysterious windsheild note leaver you ask? no. P.S. it turned out to be greg and alex all along. But anyways, this note was just from some good sumeritan, telling me that my front right tire looked a little low on air. I looked at it, and and noticed that it did look a little low on air and went and refilled the tire. At the time I kind of half thought about it, wondering why that one would have less air then the rest, but I brushed it off thinking that the air cap thing must have just been loose or leaking, and pushed it out of my mind. I knew at some point this would come back to bite me, because, not knowing what had caused the tire to deflate I couldn't fix it, and I knew it woudl happend again, but I figured this was a quick fix for now, and I'd deal with it later. So then yesterday morning I was driving and I heard this funny noise, so then I turned down my music, and listened but it just sounded like rough idoling, so I thought what ever i don't have time to play sherlock holmes because I'm late. And then while I was driving I noticed that something felt really funny, but once again, I was in a hurry so I just ignored it. Probablly not the best thing to do, but when your parking pass rides on whether you're on time or not, things like this can be ignored for the 2 minute drive. So then when I get out of school I drive over to Amanda's house and the noise and weird feeling have both gotten worse, so then I get out to check my tires when i get there, and sure enough, I have a flat tire. But all was resolved in the end. We called AAA they changed it, and then I took the tire jiffy lube and they repaired it. All in time to get to the game on time. The game I thought was good, it was a little dissapointing that we lost, but the crowd and the energy was amazing. Espeically for our first game, which was away, and not having a pep assembly before, it was pretty darn good. The football players had a different opion though. I felt really bad, they were all really really depressed that we had lost, and so after the game everyone was a little down. and that's just kind of how the rest of the night went.

water is suprisingly important

2005-09-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

So as of right now my house has no running water... and let me tell you, it sucks. I found out last night, that some pipe, or something had sprung a leak, so my parents shut off all the water. I ended up spending the night at alia's house last night, but now I am back home, and it's really weird to not go and get a drink of water, seeing as I am addicted to water and drink more water than you can imagine. Fortunantly, the other night I had filled up a water bottle, and then forgot about it on my desk, so now I have a little somethign to hold me over until the plumber gets here. Unfortunantly, I can't shower, brush my teeth, or go to the bathroom until the plumber gets here. crappy. It sucks. Anyways, when there's no running water it makes me feel like I can't go out of my room, I don't know why, but it feels like that. So that's weird. But yeah, there's really not much I can do until I take a shower and brush my teeth, so I guess I'll sit around and kill time, I seem to be good at that.

what makes a person whole?

2005-09-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

I think we all are like living tetris games, but most of us are walking around with small holes in us where peices are missing. And for everyone differently shaped peices are different things, so no one person is exaclty like the last or the next. And when we lose a peice, we imidatly try to fill it. Sometimes though we can't find the right peice to fill it with, so instead of waiting for the right peice we shove a peice that doesn't really fit in the space. While we walk around most people can see that the peice there now really wasn't made to fit, but none the less, we continue to walk around with it. Until one day we see the peice that does fit, and we realize how silly we looked with a z shaped peice contorted and squished into a hole where a block was obviously supposed to go. If this is how people really were, then life would be a constant quest, looking for the perfect peices, and then when you're finally whole and perfect, someone takes a peice out, or a peice dies, and then you are once again sent on your way, looking for something else to fill that void. I'd say we spend 99% of our time filling holes, and looking for peices, and 1% of our time whole.

I would Imagine

2005-09-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

I would imagine
in a perfect world
there would be no hate
I would imagine
in a perfect world
there would be no poverty
I would imagine
in a perfect world
there would be no hunger
I would imagine
in a perfect world
everyone would be happy
I would imagine
in a perfect world
there would always be sunshine
I would imagine
in a perfect world
there would be no sickness
I would imagine
in a perfect world
every child would have a parent
I would imagine
in a perfect world
you would lie next to me
I would imagine
in a perfect world
there would be no pollution
I would imagine
in a perfect world
there would be no reason to be scared
I would imagine
in a perfect world
there would be no hurt
I would imagine....

what time is it?

2005-09-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

I feel really tired, and calm, as if I've spent a good deal of time crying. But I haven't. I think a good cry would be like being baptised. This is speculation of course, seeing as I have not. But I would think that if I was babtised it would feel something like a good cry. Afterwords you feel clean and pure, purged of any rotteness, or ill will. Then usually it is followed by a deep slumber, and when you awake your body is tired, but your mind is cleared. But this is all just a guess, for all I know I could be completely wrong.
I spent today in a trance like state. Time seems as though it has seised to exist. It passes, but it doesn't matter that it passes, because there will always be more of it. I feel very quite today as well, like anything I have to say doesn't need to be said, or can't. It is as if I speak I will break the peace that I have found within myself. My mouth feels sealed shut, and like it woudl be a great task to even open my mouth to talk or eat, or yawn. My eyes feel tired, and heavy like I'm about to fall into a deep sleep, but if i shut them I fear I may not be able to reopen them. My mind is still. Not frantic and full of countless thoughts like usual, but empty and clean. If a thought does happen to wonder in, instead of breaking it down and systematically analyzing every possibility, my mind gentally picks it up, as though it's some sort of rare jewel or bird, and then slowly turns it over and examins it, until it feels satisfied then puts it back to rest. I am in a perfect mood right now.

Summer is rapidly running out, like sand in an hours glass.

2005-09-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

I am probablly the most amazing time waister you have ever met. I woke up around 10 today and have done nothing since, well at least nothing worth recongizing. I haven't been bored either, I just come up with things to do to entertain myself, yet none of them are what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be finishing my book for english, and I'm pretty sure I've done everything but that. I have spent 4 hours, listening to music, dancing, looking at my stomach, surfing the web, reading the news paper, and that's about it. Maybe it's time I acctually do what I'm supposed to, because I know I'm going to want to go out tonight for the last friday of summer... oh that is such a sad statement.

"I wish we could open our eyes, to see in all directions at the same time"

2005-08-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

Well nothing miraculous happen today, ut little things did take place. For instance I saw lighting strike, so I'd say my prediction came ture, because I've never seen lighting strike in oregon, or while I was driving. So they say that lightning never strikes the same spot twice, but how do they really know that? I mean honestly do they have little targets every where lighting hits, like at the fair.at the fair. the kind with little stars on them, and if the lightning hits right directly in the middle of the star with out touching the sides then it counts? I don't think so. Maybe they do, I have no idea, but I'm just ogin to say that I doubt it. And maybe statistically it's impossible for lightning to strike the same spot twice, but I dont' care, I think it could happen. and I think that it probablly has happened. My oh my, my mind is so full of thoughts, I just need to open up my head and dump some of them out; preferably the dumb ones, or the bad ones. it seemed as though with the rain, a cloud has decended into my mind, making what just last week was simple and easy to understand all of sudden complicated, and not so clear. Honeslty last week I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, out with the old, in with the new, but this cloud has brought uncertainty creeping back into my mind, making me think, maybe the old wasn't so bad, maybe the old was better? or could be better? ahhh I don't know. The rain is so depressing, I have just been so blah today, I feel like an empty shell, just walking from room to room in my house, I can' t think of anything I want to do, and time passes so slowly, but at the same time, the day flew by. I blinked and the day vanished. But I knew from the moment I opened my eyes, that today was differnt. Hopefully tomorrow will bring clarity and sunshine.

good morning, it rained last night

2005-08-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

What a blah morning. I woke up after a really bad dream, which is unusual becaues I haven't had a really bad scary dream in...I don't even know, years probablly. And it was also one of those dreams where I was trying to wake myself up, which eventually I did, but I really hate those. The feeling in my house right now, is quite and restful. I looked outside, and noticed it rained last night, which is also out of the ordinary, because it hasnt' rained in so long. Some how waking up to wet pavement gives the day a completely differnt feeling. It's a feeling of sleepiness and quietness. It makes me not want to talk or really do anything. I can just feel that today is going to be different. Maybe something big will happen, or perhaps it turns out to be smaller, but something is going to happen today, I can tell. Too many things are differnt this morning for it to be just another lazy summer day.

"and when I see you, I really see you upside down"

2005-08-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

so believe it or not, it gets old after a while to always be the girl who has the hot friend. I duno why guys think you would love to hear about how hot your friends are, do they think that you're going to go run and tell your friends, and then your friends are going to fall madly in love with who ever this guy is? chances are not, and no girl likes to hear about how hot other girls are. How would guys like it if we did nothing but talk about how hot their friends were? and then when that's all guys talk about it makes me wonder, well so you wanna be my friend, or should I just introduce you to the hot girl and leave? would that be more convient for you? You know what I don't even know why I fall for it, but I always do. I guess I just believe that maybe this time he'll be differnt, and not just be there to get something. But it seems as though boys never change. And that leaves me in no man's land (no pun intended) but I mean so I wouldnt' really consider myself "one of the guys" and I'm not really one of those girls that all the guys love, so what the hell am I? I guess that leaves me with being a nun, one of those plain girls who never get's married. this sucks. boys are stupid. honeslty I am begining to wonder if I have some sort of flesh eating bacteria, or like really bad smell? I dont' even know. Jeeze does senior year really have to start? or can I just skip it? is it time for college yet? I just really want to leave.

heads up

2005-08-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

So yeah, just got off the phone with alia, and man we are so cynical, and we rant and rave about all the stupid peole at our school.... and i love every second of it! but honestly there are a lot of.... yeah i was trying to thikn of a nice way to put it, but there isn't one so i'll jsut say it: stupid whores/ass holes at our school. First off you have the stupid party whores who go to every party, and are sluts. And then they think they're cool because they're sluts, when really everyone just talks about them behind their backs, and no one acctually respects them or takes them seriously. Then you have the stupid guys who fall for the stupid whores. The ones who talk about the stupid whores behind their backs, like "oh she's gross, i woudlnt' touch her" then what do you know, the see one of the whores and are like, durrrr.... pretty girl. And it really pisses me off, this group of people can just all get clamydia and die. yes there are many other things we rant and rave about, but it's usually along the same lines. oh and group three is all those really dumb guys who are like, wow girls talk a lot of shit. NEWS FLASH! guys do just as much. I don't care if you say you dont, i know you do. I've heard it. They'll make an off comment when you're talking, like that guys' a fag, or she sucks, she has a big nose. Stuff like that. Girls at least can admit they do it, guys on the other hand sit on their high horse and insist that they have not sunk to that level, when in fact they have, everyone has. And for them not being able to admit that they do, and trying to make us girls feel bad for doing it, they get an extra rant and rave. They suck. I hope they hear the things their guy friends say aobut them... because I'm sure it's not nice all the time.

P.S. I love the peole who say they dance just because they're on dance team.... haha makes me laugh. you may not get it, but i don't really care.

PPS, oh yeah and if you think this was mean, jeeze, you really have heard nothing, if i truely wanted to be mean, i would be, and you'd shit your pants because what i was saying was so mean. and yes i do know that peole can and do say mean things about me, so i'm over it, and that's why i have chosen not to unleash my full wrath apon you, A) you couldn't handle it, and B) that's mean,there's no call for that.

2005-08-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting here talking on AIM (Ironic because you dont' acctually talk) and I started thinkging (Yes I know, doesn't happen very often) and I was thinking, you know they have these neat little abbriviations for things, like jk-just kidding, lol- laugh out loud, and I was thinking, you know those wouldn't be that hard to come up with, and if a little is good, then a lot would be way better right? so here are a couple I thought you might find handy

wnpc-what's new pussy cat?
ylarcc-you look like a real cool cat
mityo-may i take your oder?
wat-what a tweaker
yd-you're dumb
ytd-yeah that's dumb
ftid-fuck this i'm done
hwyd-How was your day?
was-what a slut
wah-what a whore
hwyn?-hi what's your name?
ayoetbdt?-Are you old enough to be doing that?
jas-just a sec
wu-what up
wud- what up dawg?
po-peace out
puat-peace up, A-town
skank-she killed a nice kangaroo
wad-what a dick
wab-what a bastard
ts-that sucks
ilu-I love you
wayw-what are you wearing?
liysyamtwyhbymtypitcof-Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.

So sad

2005-08-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

I just oufn out that Sydney Glass died a couple days ago. It's so sad, anyone who really knew her knew she was very fun loving, and really great person. It is so surreal, and I can't even believe that it happend. It's crazy, and unreal that people our age are dying, and it really is so sad, she had so much more ahead of her. I'm so sad that we drifted apart, adn that we were always friends. things like this really make you think about the poeple you love and take for granted. There are so many people that I know, and yet because I see them everyday don't even give it a second thought, but just thinking what I would do if they died, god it makes me want to cry. It's such a wake up call to how short our time here is, and how precious every person is. Sydney I hope you RIP, and the rest of you, I hope that you let your friends and family know that you love them

Oh the colorful people of oregon

2005-08-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

So I went to the bite this weekend, which was pretty rad, and I really noticed how varied we oregonians are, I'll tell you about just a few of the many strange and wonderous people I saw while there. First there was the lady with light up nipple rings, they were bright red, and so in the dark, you could see them right through her shirt.... interesting. Then of course there were the dancing drunks, one of my favorites was a lady standing in the fire lane, empty wine glass in hand, dancing to Little Richard like she didn't have a care in the world. Her dance would have to be described as something between a pony and an irish step dance, quite interesting. My second favorite dancing drunk had to be the guy who was doing an irish jig with a beer in both hands, now this may not sound strange expect for the fact that he was Indian. And for a state that rains and is so cold most of the year, we Oregonians sure do love our sandals, whether they be flip flops, or tevas, almost everyone, man and woman, was wearing sandals, including me. But as soon as I got there I realized this was a bad move, seeing as the ground was mostly sand and dust.... gross: dirty feet. When we left and got back on the max there was a group of about 3 guys, who were increadibly drunk, and extremely loud. So obnoxious! Luckily they only stayed on the max for a couple blocks, but I swear everything they said was yelled. Anyways back to intersting people who were acctually at the bite. There was one guy who had dreads all the way past his waist, like half way between his butt and his knees. The last group of people is my least favorite... and frankly make me ashamed to be an Oregonian, yes that's right it's the stero-typical hillbilly/hippy, oregonian. The ones who feel they don't need to use deoderant, or brush their hair, or shave.... let me tell you, they really do need to. Serioulsy even if you don't shave or brush your hair, it's imparitive that you put on deoderant, while the smell may not bother you, it bothers the rest of us. The other part of this group is the over-weight-people-who-don't-wear-enough-clothes-and-are-usually-etremely-sunburnt group. I swear Oregonians don't see sun for 9 months of the year, and when they do they take off all their clothes and fry. It doens't seem to matter how big they are, and honestly it always seems like it's the big ones who walk aroudn with no shirt on, or a little tiny tube top, or the bikini top. Why is that? the world may never know. But hey props to them for being comferetable with their bodies. The last guy had to be the most peculiar of them all, we spotted him outside of the max at one of the many stops. He had no shirt on and was wearing big red wings on his back, and was talking to some black guy, then the black guy flipped him off, and then the guy with wings flipped off the black guy with both hands, and the black guy started to run away, and the guy with wings started to run after him. It may sound like a tense sittuation, but it was more funny than anything, because both of them didn't seem serious, and when the guy with wings ran after the black guy, it wasn't like, "I'm gonna kick your ass" it was more like, "ooo I"m crazy! does this freak you out? hehehehe" like that. So I wasn't too worried. But oh the joys of portland, and the mysterious people you will meet.

the past couple weeks in a nutshell

2005-08-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

So yeah I'm not going to finish that story after all, because it's too long, and not interesting enough. If I hadn't been interrupted I'm sure I would have finished it, but I'm one of those people who after they're interrupted just can't get focused again... bah! Oh well, what ya gonna do about it?...Adarole! (sp?) I swear I could be such a better student if I had this stuff, it makes it so that you can sit down and study for like three hours strait, and just be really on task. That's exaclty what I need, because I can sit down and work really on task for like 30 minutes and hten I get bored, and I'm like hmm I wonder what's going on down stairs, and I walk off and completely forget what I was doing, then come back like 5 hours later, and it's just like... hm

.... so yeah deffinantly just got interrupted and now I can't continue on that last subject, because the thought has passed, and now it' gone.

Anyways, I've been trying to do this healthy thing latley where I eat enough fruits and vegitables, because I really dont' do enough of that, and it goes well for a while, and then I just forget. Cuz it's just really hard to do it sometimes, like when we were down in san fransico you eat out, and most of the time it's lie you order some main dish... maybe pasta, and it doesn't always come with vegitables, then you order a salad, but honestly most of those salads are just iceberg lettuce, which really doesn't count at all. But yeah it worked out because the breakfast at our hotel always had lots of fresh fruit. Oh and there are some foods that are "super foods", like spinach and blueberries, so yeah I've been including those a lot more too. I used to not even like blue berries, until like oh maybe 2 weeks ago... weird I know. It's like when I find something that I didn't like when I was little I never try it again, and now my taste has changed and I end up liking the things. This has happend a couple times in the last year, cherries, cinnamon gum, and now blue berries too. these are things I wouldn't eat until I just tried them, and then.... what do ya know? It turns out ther're good! This is probablly why I shouldn't make up my mind so fast about things, but what ever, I am such a snap judgement maker.
What else... what else.... I know I've been doing more than eating fruits and vegitables this summer... oh yeah I went and got my senior pictures this last week, and it was so exciting. It's like well now I'm officially a senior, becaue I have senior pictures, I mean, hell if I don't graduate, at least I'll know I was a senior, and the proof is in the picture. Some people don't think it's a big deal, but I really think it's kind of a right of passage, or something weird like that... I duno.
lets see.... oh yeah we went to dance team camp a week or so back, and it was pretty good. It was really different this year though, not so much the classes as everything else was differnt. Like back in the dorms and all. Then at the end of camp they announced that they would be making us all captains, which I think will be a struggle. We have 10 seniors! that's like a third of the team. I can just see it now as it get's closer to state or what ever, us becoming really petty aand fighting a lot, it just seems like it's going to be one big power struggle the whole time. It doesn't really help that I have no patience what so ever, and can be quite cynical. I'm sure people will start to drive me crazy soon enough. I think my main problem is that I'm a control freak, and that I always think I'm right. but common who doesn't really? I mean if you didn't think you were right, you woudlnt' say anything at all right? oh well. it should be interesting. also I saw judy and tim and ally at camp... weird.... very akward, especially since like they were waving to everyone, but for them to even aknowledge me I had to be the one to go up to them... seriously..... common! oh well what ever!
I think that's all for now.... jeeze I always talk about the same things, LAME!

let me tell you my stories from my travels a-far

2005-08-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

So I completely forgot to tell you about my trip down to San Fran, but dont' worry children, sit back and I will tell you all aobut it. We got there, and we promtly greated by Crazy McCrazerson, while we were walking down the street, this nasty bum with like 5 teeth, and wild hair comes up behind me and my mom and loudly hisses at us... well it was a hiss/bark... I duno hard to explain. Anyways we quickly turn around and looking right into the face of this weird man, and I'm a little freaked out, he caught me off gaurd, I hadn't been expecting the crazies so soon. Anyways we keep walking, at a much brisker pace now, and he follows us for like a block, and then just dissapears. That was the creepiest part, he completely vanished, he probablly crawled back into some sewer and was hiding there, just waiting to hiss/bark at other unsuspecting passers by. As I have come to learn San Fransico has a huge bum population, and let me tell you they aren't anything like the tame portland bum, no this is a different breed of bum, dirtier, crazier, and they're deffinantly not shy. I don't so much mind the bums in portland, they'll occassionally ask you for change or something like that, but for the most part they're just homeless, not completelly insane. The second day we walked down to the street car and took it up to fisherman's warf, oh the way there we passed a guy who seemed to be arranging trash on top of one of the trash cans, darting out in the street to collect the perfect bit for his sculpture/pile of trash. When we returned later that day, probablly 3 or 4 hours later he was still there, this time he was draped acorss the trashcan. man I'm tired, I'll finish this story later.

Hello stranger, nice to meet you

2005-08-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was sitting at a red light with Nicole, and you know that akward time where you're right next to a car, and you're trying not to look at them, and they're doing the same, well it was kind of one of those times, except for the fact that all three of us broke the rule, and happened to look over at eachother at the same time. At first we tried to play it off, and pretend that we hadn't looked over, but the guy in the car next to us would have none of that, so he started dancing wildly and rokcing out. it was hillarious! nicole and I had no choice but to give in admiting that w had broken one of the cardinal rules of sitting at a stop light. We had a good laugh while he danced, then the tables were turned, and he let us know it was our turn. At first I just laughed, but then thought, what the hell, this chance doesn't come along everyday. So now I can say I have had a dance party with a stranger in a differnt car. I swear that was the longest red light I have ever sat through though, but when the light turned green we drove off one way and he drove off another, with a wave goodbye. It's odd, for that one moment we connected, and then off we went on our seperate lives. It happens everyday, the guy behind the counter at the groccery store, the girl at the movie theater, the kid who sat next to you on the max. All these people we encounter, and yet we never take the time to learn anything about them, most of the time we're too busy trying to avoid any kind of conversation, or eye contact. Weird, I wonder why we do this. I want to take the time to get to know more people I meet like this, who knows it could turn out to be a very influential person in my life. I have to give props to this guy in the car, instead of ignoring the person next to him, he embraced the akwardness, and started a dance party. There should be more of that in this world.

Parachutes

2005-08-10T00:56:00.000-07:00

In a haze, a stormy haze,
I’ll be round, I’ll be loving you always, always,
Here I am and I'll take my time,
Here I am and I’ll wait in line always, always.

-Coldplay

Just beyond my grasp

2005-08-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I have short apendages; maybe that's why everything I really desire is just out of reach. Maybe if I was a little taller, if my arms and fingers were a little longer, perhaps then I could obtain those things. Perhaps then I would truley be happy. Perhaps then life would be perfect. Right? But what about all I have? is that not enough? What about the life I lead? is it not perfection in its most complete form? it is. I've heard that while on earth your heaven is created; so maybe that's all I'm looking for, I'm searching for the peices of my heaven. So while some may have already been found, some have yet to be discovered.

Got home just in time to leave

2005-08-04T23:50:00.000-07:00

So today I got home from dance team camp, and tomorrow morning I will be on a plane down to San Fransico. I think it should be fun, we're going down there for the weekend to pick up my sister, and tool around down there. I love flying, it's so relaxing, honestly. You don't have to do anything, you just sit back and relax for a couple hours, you can take a nap, people bring you drinks and food, you don't even have to haul around your luggage, they take that when you first get there. I swear flying is the best way to travel.... well maybe not, trains are pretty freaking rad too.
Anyways dance team camp was wonderful, I felt like I really got the chance to get closer to a lot of the people on the team, especially the senior class. Also, I finally got a supersensational ribbon, woo hoo! I've been wanting one since freshman year, and I finally got my chance, and I acctually made it to the last round, but another girl won, and I'm okay with that. I tried, and she was better; that's all there is to it. I'm just glad I finally got a chance to try, and I got to see how far I could go.
The next couple of weeks promise to be very busy, between working odd jobs, doing the dance intensive at my studio, keeping up the yoga, senior pictures (for reals this time), choreographing for dance team, dance team practice, doing my summer home work, planning homecomging, and hanging out with friends. that's a lot to do in a month, oh yeah, and study for the SAT. Oh well, at least I'll keep busy.

umm.... I'm happy for you?

2005-07-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

When we lie why do we do it, and who are we lying to? Is it to ourselves, or to others. It cannot be both, not forvever. Well maybe physically it can be, but in reality eventually it is one or the other. We either lie to cover up the truth from others, or to prevent ourselves from having to take responsiblity for the truth. Isn't it odd that if you know the truth and are covering it up it is eaiser to decieve people than if you have no yet figured out the truth for yourself? I mean at first people will believe you, but after a while they will see through the lie and then it's up to you to realize you've been lying to yourself all along. And at the point that you finally realize what you've done, it's quite silly really, because you really have fooled no one, not even yourself. Deep down you knew all along the real truth, and eventually so did everyone else.

Would you like to send that express mail?

2005-07-23T01:04:00.000-07:00

I want to take everyone who's fake, or bad, or uses people, or the ones who are just idiots, and put them in a cardboard box, then wrap it up and send them to the middle of the artic ocean. Anyways that aside, I wish I was as creative right before I went to bed as I am once I'm in bed. Serioulsy I think of all these wonderful things, but then can't remeber them, almost like dreams but not. Speaking of dreams, I had the craziest and most wild dream ever the other night and now I can't remeber it! That is so irksome! I woke up and went over the dream in my head, and just thought, wow that was such an increadibly interesting and crazy dream, I'm so glad I remeber it. Then went back to sleep and promptly forgot it, and awoke with only the memory that it was outrageous. Speaking of outrageous, the outrageous thing about this summer is that I've hung out with so few of my "friends." I feel that I should make the attempt to see them, but so few make the attempt to hang out with me that I wonder if it's a lost cause. I mean, this is really selfish, but why should I have to put all this effort into a relationship (friendship) if I'm getting nothing in return. I mean if I sit around and am contsantly calling, but never getting calls in return, well then I'd say it is a one sided friendship that occurs only when it's convient for the other person. It's really annoying to call people and invite them to do stuff, or ask if they want to hang out, and then not ever get an invitation to hang out with them. It's almost like, well yeah I'll hang out if I don't have anything better to do. My favorite line of all time is, "call me." what the hell does that mean? If someone wants to talk to you, or what ever, why can't they be the ones to call, I mean from the sounds of it they're the one who wanted the call in the first place, so why aren't they the ones making it??? that would make things much more simple, if everyone who wanted to get a call from someone just picked up the phone and called them. (wow writing the word phone jut reminded me of one of my brilliant right before I fall asleep thoughts, but I'll discuss that later.) Anyways, I've found that it's much easier to just pick up a phone and dial a number than it is to sit and look at your phone and will the person you want to talk to call you, well I duno if it's easier, but let's just say the results are much more satisfactory. But seroiusly if I've called someone more than twice this summer with out a return call I'm not going to try anymore. Because it's just not worth my time, I've already made it clear that I want to see them or hang out, and if they want to hang out well then they can start their end of the work and call me. At the begining of the summer I didn't have this outlook, but now that I've found lots of things to fill my time with, why should I bother? After a while it get's old always being the one who calls, and then the one who has to think up what to do. That's why I've only been hanging out with a small group of friends, and we all seem to feel the same way. I'm sure all this will change when the school year starts, it always does, but until then, I'm quite happy with my new system.

To bikram or not to bikram that is the question

2005-07-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

The title doesn't really work because bikram isn't a verb it's an adjective, but what ever who cares right? Anways, I have been wanting to try bikram yoga for a while, and decided that today would be the day. If it wasnt' for that darn mapquest I'm sure I would have been a lot more on time, but alas, mapquest has a weekness that seems to arise from the area right off 405 south towards the dalls...I believe that's where it is at any rate. If it tells you take take exit 1C, and then stuff aobut highway 6, there are couple steps in there that will just f you up so bad, and get you lost. I've experienced this problem twice while trying to get to two different loctaions. But thanks to my mom I finally found my yoga class, even though I ended up going to the later one rather than the earlier. I swear I should know portland like the back of my hand with how much I drive around there, but... I don't. I mean I can get around, but it usually takes some searching to find things. Ah well, I'm getting much better. Oh yeah, back to yoga. So I was really excited to take this class, but reflecting back on it, I'm not sure if I really liked it. I'll have to give it another shot before I decide, but it was kind of strange. It structured like most of the yoga classes I've taken, and people wear a lot less clothing, everyone was in little tight spandex shorts, and none of the guys wore shirts. After it was done I didn't feel super stretched, or like my muscles had been exahusted either, I just felt a little limp from being so hot. And then I felt really bloated after I began drinking water. But maybe all this is normal for a first class, and will eventually go away. I just like the classes that challange my body more. One thing that I found interesting, but not necissarily liked, was that they made you keep your eyes open the whole time. Their reasoning was that it kept the mind alert and focus, because when you close your eyes your mind wanders. I had never thought aobut this before, but it was really true, for some reason when my eyes were open my mind didn't wander. But coming from a dance back ground where evertime I stretch I stretch with my eyes closed it was an alien feeling. It was deffinantly an interesting experience though, and I will go back and give a couple more tries before I make up my mind.

ready.... set....GALLOP!

2005-07-12T23:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, tonight was quite possibly the perfect night. A good o'l fashioned girl's night, complete with chick flicks, chocolate, loud talking, laughing and a gallop race. Oh how I love summer, and the sad part is htis is the last real summer of high school I will have. Time is so precious, and so are the people i surround myself with. It's times like these that make me really sad to think of leaving. I know that I will make new friends, and still have a great time, but it's sad to think that the special bond I have made with the people I'm close to will be forever changed. Everyone says, we'll stay in touch, but that just can't keep up when you're hundreds/thousands of miles away. There's just no way to keep up to date with everything that's going on, and slowly you run out of things to talk about when you're not always around a person, because the friends that you have, the things that you do, and the places that you go no longer have a meaning to them if they are not there to experience them. No one wants to hear story after story of strangers, excpet maybe your parents. But there will always be the summer. When the bond will be recreated, and for a while you can be with those people again, though it will never be the same. Nothing is ever the same. You can't leave and come back to a place expecting everything to be how it was when you left, It' just won't happen, and then you will be sorely (sp?) dissapointed. Change it's just so crazy, it happens so fast, and for no apparent reason. Is it because people lie, or are they telling the truth but we just coudln't see. We become blinded by our everyday lives, and are oblivious to the small changes that take place every second of everyday, until finally it slaps us in the face, and we realize it was hidden there in plain sight the whole time. I am so curious to see where I will be in a year from now. Today I took a journey back to the beinging of freshman year, and it was so surreal to see how much I had changed, for the better I think. This was all brought about by a note that Alia had saved, and Phil found. Looking back over the note was sickening and hillarious at the same time. I had no life what so ever. I mean common! I was writing a letter about absolutly nothing to a friend I had see before the period started, and would see as soon as the period ended. Of course there was talk of boys, and other important things like that, but I just was so.... nerdy! I'm so glad change has taken place, and that I'm past that stage. I think more than anything the letter showed a transition, the reminants of 8th grade lingering in the dialog, and the begingins of a high school student. I think I should keep more things like that, and kind of wish I had. But at the same time, I'm glad I didn't. Those thigns should stay in the past, where they belong. It's nice to have a good laugh about them every now and then, but I'm glad that it's past.

Sunglasses... that's good stuff

2005-07-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

Oh how I lvoe sunglasses. It's almost as if when I put them on no one can see me. I feel invisible, and am free to watch people with out feeling rude. Today was a wonderful day. I went to yoga, then enjoyed a wonderful sadwhich in pioneer courthouse square, where I sat back and watch the world go by. I absolutly love my time after yoga class, down in portland on my own, just me. It's a time where I don't have to be anywhere, there's no one I can dissapoint, there are no rules I have to follow, and I can do what ever I want. It is a feeling of complete freedom. It's me time, where I don't have to talk to anyone. I don't have to explain or answer to anyone except myself. Today while eating I sat back and watched people, it was interesting. There was this one man, who was wuite the character. I think he was homeless, because after I sat down, at the tables out side of the starbucks, he climbed up on one of the brick platforms and yelled, "I can see my home from here! My home is everywhere." He made conversation with almost anyone who crossed his path. He had no shirt on, and had a lot of tatoos and pircings. He struck up a conversation with a lady who went to sit and have lunch, first telling her how beautiful she was, then commenting on her elvis sun glasses. I thought this was really nice. how often do you go up to strangers and tell them how beautiful they are. I don't know if what he said was heart felt, but she then let him talk to her none the less. He kind of seemed like a conman. Nothing seemed to faze him. He could talk to anyone, and wasn't ashamed to. But at the same time I wondered if he was just lonely. I would think it woudl be very lonely to be homeless. With no one to turn to. No family (or at least none that would take you in) no real friends. It's sad. These thoughts got me wondering how he got where he was, and what prevented him from re-entering society. Because he had no problems with his social skills, and wasn't completely drity and bum looking. I wonder what he could have done or what misfortune he had sercome to. That was just one of the many people I saw, and it's just so interesting how people interact with eachother, or the lengths they will go to avoid such things. There were hundreds of people there, and I'm sure I could have made up a story about every single one of them, where they came from and what they were doing, but that would take up way too much time. But this is why I love sunglasses, they give you the power to observe with out freaking people out.

"They will see us waving from such great hights"

2005-07-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

Well it seems that I've been having more strange dreams, and I just wish I knew what they ment. I was watching a show today about our brain and how it works, and they were hypothesising (sp?) that it's really just random thoughts that float up, and then your brain somehow weaves them into a story. But I really find that so much less appealing, I want my dreams to mean something. So for now I'll just believe that there is some hidden meaning deep within them, that only time will unlock, that's so much more intriguing, and exciting.
Nicole's in Mexico right now, and I couldn't be more jelous. She's probablly having an amazing time, and even if she's not, SHE'S IN MEXICO! so it doesn't even matter. Not to say that it hasn't been an enjoyable weekend, but mexico would be nice. I can't believe summer is half over.... sad, but senior year will be amazing. I was having my doubts early on in the summer, but after a good chat, or should I say shout? (my throat still hurts) with the girls I am reassured that it will be the best year ever. Time moves really fast now, and I'm sure it will move even faster when the school year starts, there's just so much left to do. I still have to pick out some colleges, and then apply, and all that jazz. But it will be fun. I've got amazing friends, and we're going to be so tight next year, it will be sad to leave, but at the same time really exciting. The really sad thing is that I keep thinking htat we're going to go back to school and it will be like it used to be, and the seniors will be there, and all will be well. But it isn't so, and won't be. We will be the ones in charge, I just hope that we don't screw it up.
Tomorrow marks the day that I officially become an only child for a month, my sister went this weekend to a dance thing down in good o'l San Fran, So I'll have lots of free time.

Do you know how to drive?

2005-07-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

I swear people in washington don't know how to drive at all, either they didnt' read their driver's manual, or they just can't read, I'm not sure which, but common! it's not that hard! When there's a stop sign you stop, when there isn't, you don't. When you're making an unprotected left turn you yeild to on coming trafic. When you're merging use your tunring signal, and if someone is trying to merge you let them in. And common courtesy when someone lets you in give them a thank you wave. Also when you're driving in the country or anywhere that there is no speed limit posted (in oregon) the speed limit is 55. that means when you see those little "end 45 zone" sings it means the speed limit is now 55! I don't know why the hell people don't know this, either they're just idiots, or they're just dumb asses. oh and by the way, if you're going more than 10 mph under the speed limit you can get a ticket, becaues you're holding up traffic. Another thing, when you're driving on the highway, left lane is acctually for passing, so if you happen to be driving in it, and someone is coming up fast behind you, move over please. And if you're going to drive there, dont' drive 55. It's pretty simple acctually, and if you don't know these rules or any others, you should either look them up, or stop driving because you're stupid. have a nice day, and wear your seat belt.

Joke's on me

2005-07-09T01:34:00.000-07:00

So I went to go give blood yesterday, thinking, this will be great, help people out, save some lives, and get a nice little arm wrap. Well I was in for a suprise. Everythign went well until I sat down in my chair to give blood. The first thing the guy asks me is, " are you nervous?" and to tell the truth I was a little aprehensive, because I mean I'm about to have a needle stuck into my arm, and some of my blood sucked out... kinda freaky if you ask me, but welll worth it. So I relplied, "no not really." But then to my suprise he says, "Well good cuz I am." and when I said "what!?" he didn't say just kidding, instead he goes, "don't worry you can look away, cuz I will, that way you don't have to see my hand all shaky shaky." and I'm kind of starting to get nervous, cuz he still hasn't broken his face, or said just kidding. Then he continues on to say," don't worry I haven't missed yet today... I don't think." then he said just kidding, but I don'tknow if that was to just the not having missed or to the whole thing, cuz once he stuck me he missed! he missed! AHH WHAT A BAD JOKE! then instead of taking the needle out and re-sticking it he was like well i'm going ot try to move it, and OH MY GOSH! it hurt so bad. And they brought another nurse over to try and move it, and after they moved it they were getting some blood but not enough, then I started to faint, so they laid me back, and then decided that I couldn't give blood, and took out the needle. I felt bad, because between the time they were moving the needle around and me starting to faint my eyes were watering and tearing up ( I know I'm a wimp) but then the guy felt really bad, and was like, I'm sorry. And really it was jut an accident, so he shouldnt' feel bad. But the sad part is that they acctually got enough blood that they said they wanted me to wait the two months to dontate again, so unfortunantly I just have to wait, and can't retry. Anyways, don't let this story scare you away from giving blood, it's a really great thing to do, and helps a lot of people , this just happened to be a bad experience.

I'm sorry

2005-07-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever hurt someone? I'm sure you have, even if it wasn't intentionally, or maybe you didn't even know you were hurting them, but you probablly have. What a crappy feeling it is. I hate letting people down, or hurting them, and I find that no matter how hard I try to avoid it, it always ends up happening. It is inevitable. I don't mean to, I think it's just that sometimes people get a different vibe or impression from me than I mean to portray. I don't know how to change the fact that I seem to be sending the wrong signals, but I guess I should try. I mean sometimes I'm just so blunt about things it can come off as shrewed, but that's usually with people that I don't really care what they think. So then when I'm faced with a sittuation that to me is black and white, but to those I care about are grey I don't know how to let them know we're not on the same wave length. I guess what I'm saying is that maybe I'm not what you think I am.

I take it back!

2005-07-03T00:09:00.000-07:00

I undo everything that I said, and am replacing it with what you deserve: nothing. If that's what you're going to give, then that's what you're going to get. I'm tired of giving and not getting, so it's going to end. I'm tired of your fair weather attitude, and you're negative out look. I won't let you bring me down anymore. I won't let you use me any more. I hope you're happy with where you've gotten yourself, this is what you wanted isn't it? When skies are fair, you're always there, but at the first sign of rain you're no where to be found. Net time the sun comes out, don't expect me to be around, because I'm moving on, I'm tired of this crap, I hope you find someone who will put up with it. At some point I hope you realize what a crappy person you've been, and I hope you feel bad. At some point you will be alone with no one left to turn to. At some point you will grow up and learn there is more to life than being popular, or being seen with the right people. At some point you will look back and see how you waisted your time. I hope you find someone who touches you, and makes you see what an empty life you've been living. I hope at some point you wake up and realize that the hardest thing to hear is the truth. I hope at some point you open your mind, and look around and find yourself. Not somone to copy. Not someone who will decide how you should be; but yourself. Until then you will be just an empty shell walking from friend to friend, latching on then assimalating their personality, calling it your own. I hope you're happy.

me me me me

2005-07-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.... always a good way to start out a post, with a good think before it. Though it seems this is never how it goes, it always happens that I think about what I wrote after I go to bed, and after I've posted, so then I try to remeber, but I forget by the time I get to my next post. I should have something that just records my thoughts when I lay down to go to bed, because those really are the best ones, if only I could remeber them all. Summer is a wondeful time, but it sucks that so many people have to work all the time. I really wish they were around more. Oh I just remebered something, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a very selfish person, but so is everyone else. I mean look, I sit here and write down thoughts I have, but why? becuase I think other people are just so interested in me that they spend time and read this? Because I think I'm so important and profound that my thoughts should be recorded? For me to look back on myself? What ever the reason it is somewhat selfish. Also I've noticed that me in particular, but most other people too just want things to be good for themselves. For example, I hate it when I'm driving and the person I'm behind is going really slow, so then I try going faster to encourage them to speed up. I'm sure if I had better depth perception I'd tail them, but I don't, so I don't. Then also if there's someone behind me that's tailing me because I'm not going fast enough for them it really irritates me as well. So pretty much I want everyone to conform to my driving speed. See? but honestly how many people don't want this? it's just human nature, we're greedy, and self centered. It's like when you're talking to someone, people just love talking about themselves. Why do we like it so much? Really it doesn't make sense, we know all about ourselves, I mean common we've lived with ourselves our whole life, so why would we want to hear the same old story over and over again? wouldn't it be nicer to hear a different story from someone we've never heard from before? I've heard that we like to hear ourselves talk because it makes us feel smart, and I can see that. If you're in a deep conversation, or discussing anything of importance people like to throw in their two cents, and they feel proud, and smart for what they've said, because they think their veiw is right. I mean look at this, this is an example of the exact same thing, I'm sitting here analyzing a sittuation, and writing about it, and it does make me feel somewhat smart. I mean it's a no-brainer thing, but just anazlying things makes me feel smart. weird. Anyways back to the point, people are greedy, self centered. Everyone. That's what motivates us in life. Our own pleasure.

what do a monk a scottie dog and a blue bracelet all have in common?

2005-06-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

I've been having really strange dreams latley. Especially in the time that I go back to sleep after taking my dad to work, those dreams are the craziest. I think maybe because I don't fall asleep as well, or maybe as deeply, I have no idea, but I seem to always dream, and they're insane, and I usually have like 3 or 4 in such a short span of time. Like this morning, I dreamed, I was in a budist temple, but it was kind of like a big opera house, and I don't remeber what I was doing there, but there were monks, and then all of a sudden for some reason we all had to leave right away, I think there was something chasing us, it was big and black, kind of like a shadow. Anyways we ran out side into the garden, and I tried to hide like under this stone wall, but the thing is it went all the way to the ground, so I was just pushing my head against the bottom of the wall, and then when the creature got close I gave up and ran further into the garden. Then I stopped, at a differnt rock wall, and sat on it, and I think there was a scottie dog, and all of a sudden I had one of those live strong type bracelets on, except it was light blue and on it there was an "A" and then under the a there were the numbers, 484-848-48. I remeber this becuase in the dream I thought, this is really important, I have to remeber these numbers. And it was really weird because the whole bracelent part was kind of blurry, like the scottie dog and all, and then as I focused in on the bracelet the letters and numbers became clear, but everythign else was blurry. I don't know what this means but it was strange.

I hate little kids

2005-06-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

So the other day I met satian, and he resides in the body of a young boy between the ages of 2 and 4 named Talib... I believe. Oh and seeing as satain was so young, the mother of saitan was there too. I was in the waiting room at the hospital, and jus sittin ghtere minding my own business, when this lady and her kid walks up. So she lets her kid out of the stroller, and he imidately comes over and starts talking to me. Now if you know me at all, you know I don't really like little kids, but I can tollerate them. So he's just talking away, and I'm just smiling politly, and usually parents call their kids back in afte a while, like oh leave her alone, or something like that. But no. I was trying to read my magazine, and ignore him, but he just kept talking to me. Then he starts running around the waiting room in a circle, and every time he runs past me he hits me! and every time he runs around he's hitting me harder and harder. And his mom does nothing! she doesn't even tell him to stop, until he finally is like trying to push me off my chair, then she goes, "Talib be nice." what the hell? tell him to sit down! so then he finally stops, and his mom suggests they look at books. But he just starts throwing the books. She still does nothing. then he starts running around jumping on all the furniture, and she still does nothing. They finally go up stairs, but soon come back, and he returns to his game of running in a cirle, but this time instead of hitting me, jumps on my feet. I didn't know what to do, since the lady could obvioulsy see what her son was doing. I felt really okaward, especially since she was older than me, I would feel really weird telling her to get controll of her kid. I really should have said something though. Anyways, after he finally stoped this, he went back to running aroudn the waiting room, and jumping from chair to chair, while his mom just watched. I didn't know whether to be mad at her, or just pitty her. This child was just so wild, and out of control, I can't even image what he'll be like when he's a teenager. There's no way she'll be able to controll him them. Man if stories like these aren't enough to make you want to abstaine, well then nothing is.

Sunday? ha! more like rainday.

2005-06-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today has been very grey and rain filled. Not much has happened, and it has left me feeling lathargic. I hate rainy days. Why isn't it sunny? it is after all June 26th, I say it's about time we get some sun. All this rain could deffinanlty be a detrement to my summer tan. Not to mention my mood. I just get so depressed when it rains. Oh well, hopefully yoga will cheer me up tomorrow, and if not yoga, then Kristy!

What's new pussy cat? whoa whoa whoa whoa!

2005-06-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

Wow, the news this evening was so depressing. It was story after story of people who died, mostly kids. So sad. It wasn't even that it's a horrible world out there and there are bad people killing children, most of the deaths were just accidents, or couldn't have been prevented. Today I thought about college a lot, and where I want to go, and goodness there are so many choices, and I have less and less time as the days go by to decide which is right for me. Maybe I'll join Americore for a year and find myself. hmmm. But! I have been really getting on things, now that I have all this free time. I looked up a yoga place in portland that I'm going to start going to, and finally looked up a place to do bikrum yoga. Then yesterday I spent the day applying for jobs, so hopefully one of those will pan out. Then today, oh man, today was the kicker for days to get stuff done. I took the dog to the groomers, changed my oil, replaced my windsheild wipers, replaced my automatic car unlocker that got lost like 2 months ago, got my car wash, and had the inside detailed. So now my car is soooo clean! It even smells good, I got "clean car" scent, which is a nice change from the "smelly dance shoe" scent that is usually present in my car. Oh yeah, and then last week I got my senior pictures squared away, and I have an appointment for the 28th of july. I'm pretty happy I got on all this stuff, it's such a reliefe to just have it done and taken care of. And now that I've done all this stuff I have time to enjoy it. I can take the time to enjoy my nice, clean, good-smelling car, and I have time to go and take a bunch of yoga classes, and I have time to do all this dance that I want to, and it's just great having all this time. Hopefully pretty soon I'll have a job so I can make a little money while I'm enjoying my time off. Well hope you're having a great summer!

"our time is running out"

2005-06-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

Soon this year will be over, and then summer, and then my last year in high school. It seems like I should start prioritizing my life, to make the most of my time left in high school. Looking back I've already started that these last few years. I've pushed the bad people further out of my life and brought the good ones close. It's kind of sad that I've drifted apart from some people, but at the same time it's given me oportunities to meet new people, or old people that I never got to know in the first place. The later option seems to be the one I've embraced most. I can't believe how many really cool people I've just gotten to know this year, when they've been around me this whole time. It's like finding a 20 in a pair of jeans you just took out of the wash. It's really quite sad at the same time too, because I've waited so long to get to know these great people, and some will already be departing in september, and most of the rest after next year. There are some that I'd still like to get to know better, but I fear that I'm running out of time. Before I know it it will be summer, and the way that usually works is I get closer with people I already know really well, but don't meet too many new ones, or get close to the ones I don't know that well. This makes me sad, because it would be prime time to do so for many reasons: 1) no school to get in the way 2) no homework to take up time 3) everyone is tan and looks hot. I just thought of all this because I was reading my year book, and I had a lot more sincer notes, and it makes me happy to know I have such good friends, and that I've made great ones this year.

"breath in for luck"

2005-06-03T22:57:00.000-07:00

I really need to learn how to not act akward sometimes. I swear today I could not have been more akward at our student council awards cerimony, but I couldn't help it. Ms. Monnier called each one of us up and gave us a little speach about how hard we worked and how glad she was that she had the chance to meet us, and all the great things we had done this year. But this was odd for me, standing in front of the whole student council, not only recieving a compliment, but an extended compliment. I just never recieve them very gracefully, and in front of a group of people, oh how okward I was. I just stood there with my hands in my pockets, doing that damn looking out of the corner of your eye thing, because I didn't know whether to face the audience or Ms. Monnier. Which is dumb. seriously way to be undecisive. I should have just picked one or the other. But that was so nice of her to take the time to think of something nice to say about each and everyone of us, I just wish that I had been less akward about it.
Speaking of compliments, they're nice and fun, but when you get a flood of them all at once it's a little over whelming and makes me really self concious. And a lot of them I think are just faulse flattery. Like the people who get a compliment and then they feel obligated to give one in return, and quickly look for anythign they can comment on, like oh thanks, I really like your shoes. Just random unthought out things like that. It doesn't mean anything, so why do we do it? There are some people who would compliment a bald cat if they thought it would get them ahead in life, but then there are the truley genuine and special compliments that really touch you. And sometimes they're the littlest ones. Just a little letter, or a wisper in the hall, but those are the ones that mean the most. There is no way to thank someone enough for a compliment like that, and thinking about it, thanking them just doesn't really even seem like the right thing to do. How can you thank someone for appriciating something you did? Or for liking your hair? or thinking you have beautiful eyes? I mean if it's a true and genuine compliment, then they can't help how they feel, and they're just expressing it. I guess saying thankyou isn't acctually thanking them for their compliment, but thanking them for the act of expressing their like/ appritiation for what you did, or what ever. So I guess it makes sense, but I think there should be a differnt word to express that you accept and appriciate their compliment. I don't know what, but something that fits a little better than thank you.
Anyways back to the awards cerimony. It was really sad seeing all the seniors going up there one by one, and thinking gosh that person will not be here next year. And then when katy got up there and passed the gavel to Jeff to signify the transfer of power from one ASB president to the next, she gave a really heart felt speech. Giving little words of wisdom, and keeping things light hearted. And then I realized how much I looked up to the seniors, and what a huge influence they are on the school, and I just hope that our class can be a positive influence. Give under classmen something to look forward to. And then, katy, Patrick, and Jeff handed down the three infamous glencoe cheers: the bear song, the stagg chili, and the yeah cheer. Out of all the Juniors that will be on next year I got selected to be the offical stagg chili cheer leader. All I can say is that I will do my very best to meet.... no exced everyones expectations, and keep the school spirit alive. Okay corny I know. what ever.
Oh yeah this is kind of off the topic, but it kind of ties in to the whole being akward bit in the begining, so bear with me. Some people say first impressions are everything, but honestly I think that really only counts in job interviews and things where people are only going to see you once and make a decision about you. Becaues first impressions can alaways be erased, and some people are just so forgetable that even if they do make a first impression its so unimpactful (for lack of a better word) that who ever just met them forgets them all together. Do you think its better to make a bad first impression than none at all? Or what if you make a really good first impression, but its not a good impression of who you really are. Meaning, someone gets the wrong impression of you, like they think you're super nice and all, but then later find out other wise. And how many people acctually represent themselves in a first impression? I mean really just exude themness. I know for a fact that most people at first probablly get a very differnt impression of me than they'll have after they get to know me. I act different around people I don't know. I don't know why this is but it just is. I don't even act the same kind of different around strangers, some I feel much more comfterble with, and others I just get really shy around. If I feel really comfterble around them, and not in the least bit intimidated, then I tend to be zany and loud. and I have to go to bed, so I'll finish this thought at another point.

Way to go Dad!

2005-06-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

I'm so proud of my dad, tonight he graduated from OHSU and got his masters. It was kind of surreal watching him graduate, and thinking, wow That's what I'm going to be doing next year. And then today the Jostin's guy came in and we picked out our graduation announcement things, and this yera's seniors will be graduating next week, and it's just crazy. I'm going to miss them all so much. The school will feel empty with out them, there are just so many great people, and they will be missed dearly. Man, just being down in portland tonight reminded me how much I love that city. I haven't been able to go down there for quite a while due to being super busy, and I juts want to go down there and hang out at some point. Probablly not this weekend because it looks like the schedual is already full, but maybe next? ahh who am I kidding? I'm probablly going to have to wait until school is out. Boo! OH well that's not too long, only a couple more weeks and we're done for this year, YAY!

"confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks"

2005-05-31T18:45:00.000-07:00

I am never so at peace with myself as when I'm in my room by myself dancing. Nothing in this world is better. I want a studio of my own, just for me to dance in when ever I want. I go into my own little world where there are no rules or juding eyes. Just me. I feel as if I am in the music, compltely emerced, and completely filled with every bit of it. I feel as though my body is just an extension of the music, and must move along with it. There are times that I am so overcome by a song or peice of music that I want to live in it, breath it in, taste it, become it. There is no other way to describe it. I feel as though I get a step closer to that point in my little space. Dance is my sanctuary, a very private and deep thing for me; a source of joy and pain. But dance is ment for everyone, it would be selfish for me to keep it all to myself, so I want to give it away. For so long I've been to shy and afraid to really express myself. But now, now is the time. I want for everyone to feel and experience the passion I have for it. No more rules, or confines, I wish to dance everyday like I am alone. When I am in my room though I am alone and the room is empty it becomes so filled with music and movement that someday I swear the seems will burst and it will no longer be able to be contained. who needs technique? I just want to move. I want to feel, I want to dance.

Happy and sun kissed

2005-05-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

I cannot think of a better day to go to the beach than today, and , oh what do you know, thi sjust so happened to be the day that our marine biology class was taking our field trip to the beach. What could be better than spending the day playing in the water, catching fish, and taking a nice long nap in a sunny bus? Today was absolutly spledid. It started early, and has just kept going. But I must admit I do not mind at all. My cheeks are pink, and my heart is happy. The beach really should be used in therapy, I swear it has healing powers beyond that of any medicine. I'm tired but it's a good tired, the kind where you're just satified. And the rest of this week promises more fun things to come. Tomorrow is our bbq for spring tide, ie: half day of school, half day of play. Then for the weekend coming up I will be spending it with Nicole's family camping, and I'm so excited. I love camping, and our family doesn't go that often, so this should be really fun. Then on top of all that summer is just around the corner, which makes me a littler nervous, because that means I only have so much time to get all my assignments done and in, but at the same time, its just so exciting, I can tell this summer will be amazing no matter what is in store for me.

What are you thinking about?

2005-05-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

When someone asks, "what are you thinking about?" I sit and think there is no way I could ever tell them all the things I am thinking, even if I took just the things I was thinking at that very moment, there are still way too many ever be able to tell anyone, and for the most part no one would care, or want to hear most of it. I am always thinking about more than one thing, it's kind of like a shakespear play in my head with all these different plot lines that are picked up and left off from moment to moment. There are so many layers to my thought, but not like blankets like instuments in a song. There's steady and solid beat, and then layers of differnt instruments over that, some quiter and some louder. There's always that running list of things I need to do, going on in the background, then on top of that I am constantly thinking about things that happend during the day or week. And of course there's imidate thought of what I'm doing be it driving or watching TV, or trying to fall asleep. Then there are just the thought thoughts, the random, about life in gernal, certain people, dance, my futer, and so much more. So when someone asks me "what are you thinking aobut?" I usually answer with "nothing" because there's no way I could ever explain all the thoughts going on, and even if I did, most of them wouldn't make sense. Does anyone else think like this? If I were to ask you," what are you thinking about?" would there be one deffinant answer, or would there be an infinit number of answers?

Something changed

2005-05-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

This weekend I feel like I started over. I got upset and almost quit my job, (cleaning my house), then me and my mom talked it out, and talked about a whole bunch of stuff, and I really realize what an amazing supportive person she is. I love her so much, and I really feel like this is the begining of us having a really close and good relationship. Everything seems to have turned around, and is going well. Even the sun came out, almost of is to signify the end of my bad feelings. Today the sun was shining, and all my classes flew by, and I am just in a wonderful mood, and I really feel like I'm getting my life on track, and heading somewhere. Right now I feel like I can acomplish anything I try.