ARRRRGGGGGGGG!

If you didn't know that's pirate for "I'm quite frustraited." which I am. That would be the perfect way to describe how I'm feeling right now: frustraited, in every sense of the word. Frustraited because I'm a stupid girl. Not so much because of the girl part, more because of the stupid part. Seriously, I freaking obsess over the littlest stupidest things, and I let them consume me and my time, and it's no big freaking deal, I just need to learn to get over things! GOOD LORD!

Also track started, and yeah it's definitley frustraiting, not only do I have no idea what I'm doing, but I look like a fool, and everyone in my group already knows how to do it. There are only 4 girls I believe, and I am by far the worst, oh and all the boys are better, just because they are boys. So pretty much that's not cool. Oh and I tried triple jump today, which sucked. I suck at jumping, I said that from the start, but everyone was like, no no no, you have to try it, all dancers are good at. P.S. I'M NOT A JUMPER I'M A TURNER! Let me think back to a time when I was ever good at jumping... nope not coming to me. So pretty much I'm the worst person in my group at that too. neat. Pretty much I hate not being good at things, and having everyone watch. I don't mind so much if I suck at stuff if no one can see; like swimming. At least swimming took place in the dark, and everyone else was doing it too, and you couldn't really see anyone else. Not with track, oh no, you're out in the open, and usually they have us go one at a time, so it's even more emberassing. And I know there are those people who are like, it doesn't matter, no one will make fun of you, but think about it, if you're good at something, and you see someone who just absolutly sucks, whether you say something or not, you're still thinking, "holy crap they suck." And you may even chuckle to yourself. So all of you who say, no one will make fun of you, shut up! because you know you've done it to someone eles, even if you don't mean to, or don't think you are.

Another thing that's quite furstraiting is timing. Timing is everything in life, and shoot mine sucks. I'm the person who laughs at the wrong time, speaks out of turn, makes jokes at bad times, and never knows when to call or not to call. I suck. And the thing is, you'd think I'd learn, but we all know that I don't have a tendency to learn from my mistakes, because I'm a freaking idiot, and I just keep making the same ones again. Also, I'm so freaking nieve. When I do try to see the good in things, it always turns out that really, it wasn't good. It always ends up being that person acctually did have ill intensions, or they were just being a dick face, they had no excuses. I was reading nicole's quotes and one of them said something to the effect of "In order for people to walk all over you, you must be laying down." well crap! that's me. Why is that I can't stay mad or say no to some people. It doesn't matter what they do, I never get up, I just keep laying there. And then every time they step on me, and they go, "oh sorry" I reply with, "oh don't worry about it, it's okay, it was my fault." So maybe it's a bad idea to be lying in the middle of the floor, but fuck, if you step on someone once, you're going to remeber that they're there, so if you keep doing it, it's no longer an accident, and now you are just as guilty as the person laying there. I mean if you stepped on someone who was laying on the floor, would you turn around and do it again 5 minutes later? only if you're a mean shitty person. or next time would you avoid making that mistake? And why is it okay in our society to use people? I will never understand that. Why must we use people, they're not freaking napkins to be used and then thrown away. They're not cars to help you get around, and then just leave in the parking lot. They're not toys to be played with until you get bored, and then put away until you're bored again. What the hell, why can't people see this? Why can't they just treat people how they shoudl be treated, it's not that hard. Honestly, don't say things you don't mean, don't do things you know will hurt people, and don't take what's not yours. It's simple, and yet it seems that this along with common courtesy has gone out the window.

And of course the most frustraiting thing of all is not knowing quite where you belong. Not knowing exactly where you stand in the group, not knowing what's going on, just kind of out of it. But that's high school right? always being nervous about what other people are thinking, and how they percive you. I don't care what you say, I know you have the same insecurities. everyone does. don't lie. I just wonder when it will become more clear, or if this is the way it will be forever. I sure hope not, I'd like to figure things out, and find that nitch that just fits. It's easy to find it for about a week, or maybe even too, but it never lasts. As soon as one seems to find where they fit in the world, the world around them changes, and so does everythign they knew. So now it's time to adjust and find that new nitch, and hope it is as good as the last one.

The word of this week is frustraiting. Everything about this week. Though it has been shorter than most, it still dragged on; a new frustration around every corner. I hope this weekend and next week is better.