"breath in for luck"

I really need to learn how to not act akward sometimes. I swear today I could not have been more akward at our student council awards cerimony, but I couldn't help it. Ms. Monnier called each one of us up and gave us a little speach about how hard we worked and how glad she was that she had the chance to meet us, and all the great things we had done this year. But this was odd for me, standing in front of the whole student council, not only recieving a compliment, but an extended compliment. I just never recieve them very gracefully, and in front of a group of people, oh how okward I was. I just stood there with my hands in my pockets, doing that damn looking out of the corner of your eye thing, because I didn't know whether to face the audience or Ms. Monnier. Which is dumb. seriously way to be undecisive. I should have just picked one or the other. But that was so nice of her to take the time to think of something nice to say about each and everyone of us, I just wish that I had been less akward about it.
Speaking of compliments, they're nice and fun, but when you get a flood of them all at once it's a little over whelming and makes me really self concious. And a lot of them I think are just faulse flattery. Like the people who get a compliment and then they feel obligated to give one in return, and quickly look for anythign they can comment on, like oh thanks, I really like your shoes. Just random unthought out things like that. It doesn't mean anything, so why do we do it? There are some people who would compliment a bald cat if they thought it would get them ahead in life, but then there are the truley genuine and special compliments that really touch you. And sometimes they're the littlest ones. Just a little letter, or a wisper in the hall, but those are the ones that mean the most. There is no way to thank someone enough for a compliment like that, and thinking about it, thanking them just doesn't really even seem like the right thing to do. How can you thank someone for appriciating something you did? Or for liking your hair? or thinking you have beautiful eyes? I mean if it's a true and genuine compliment, then they can't help how they feel, and they're just expressing it. I guess saying thankyou isn't acctually thanking them for their compliment, but thanking them for the act of expressing their like/ appritiation for what you did, or what ever. So I guess it makes sense, but I think there should be a differnt word to express that you accept and appriciate their compliment. I don't know what, but something that fits a little better than thank you.
Anyways back to the awards cerimony. It was really sad seeing all the seniors going up there one by one, and thinking gosh that person will not be here next year. And then when katy got up there and passed the gavel to Jeff to signify the transfer of power from one ASB president to the next, she gave a really heart felt speech. Giving little words of wisdom, and keeping things light hearted. And then I realized how much I looked up to the seniors, and what a huge influence they are on the school, and I just hope that our class can be a positive influence. Give under classmen something to look forward to. And then, katy, Patrick, and Jeff handed down the three infamous glencoe cheers: the bear song, the stagg chili, and the yeah cheer. Out of all the Juniors that will be on next year I got selected to be the offical stagg chili cheer leader. All I can say is that I will do my very best to meet.... no exced everyones expectations, and keep the school spirit alive. Okay corny I know. what ever.
Oh yeah this is kind of off the topic, but it kind of ties in to the whole being akward bit in the begining, so bear with me. Some people say first impressions are everything, but honestly I think that really only counts in job interviews and things where people are only going to see you once and make a decision about you. Becaues first impressions can alaways be erased, and some people are just so forgetable that even if they do make a first impression its so unimpactful (for lack of a better word) that who ever just met them forgets them all together. Do you think its better to make a bad first impression than none at all? Or what if you make a really good first impression, but its not a good impression of who you really are. Meaning, someone gets the wrong impression of you, like they think you're super nice and all, but then later find out other wise. And how many people acctually represent themselves in a first impression? I mean really just exude themness. I know for a fact that most people at first probablly get a very differnt impression of me than they'll have after they get to know me. I act different around people I don't know. I don't know why this is but it just is. I don't even act the same kind of different around strangers, some I feel much more comfterble with, and others I just get really shy around. If I feel really comfterble around them, and not in the least bit intimidated, then I tend to be zany and loud. and I have to go to bed, so I'll finish this thought at another point.

Way to go Dad!

I'm so proud of my dad, tonight he graduated from OHSU and got his masters. It was kind of surreal watching him graduate, and thinking, wow That's what I'm going to be doing next year. And then today the Jostin's guy came in and we picked out our graduation announcement things, and this yera's seniors will be graduating next week, and it's just crazy. I'm going to miss them all so much. The school will feel empty with out them, there are just so many great people, and they will be missed dearly. Man, just being down in portland tonight reminded me how much I love that city. I haven't been able to go down there for quite a while due to being super busy, and I juts want to go down there and hang out at some point. Probablly not this weekend because it looks like the schedual is already full, but maybe next? ahh who am I kidding? I'm probablly going to have to wait until school is out. Boo! OH well that's not too long, only a couple more weeks and we're done for this year, YAY!

"confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks"

I am never so at peace with myself as when I'm in my room by myself dancing. Nothing in this world is better. I want a studio of my own, just for me to dance in when ever I want. I go into my own little world where there are no rules or juding eyes. Just me. I feel as if I am in the music, compltely emerced, and completely filled with every bit of it. I feel as though my body is just an extension of the music, and must move along with it. There are times that I am so overcome by a song or peice of music that I want to live in it, breath it in, taste it, become it. There is no other way to describe it. I feel as though I get a step closer to that point in my little space. Dance is my sanctuary, a very private and deep thing for me; a source of joy and pain. But dance is ment for everyone, it would be selfish for me to keep it all to myself, so I want to give it away. For so long I've been to shy and afraid to really express myself. But now, now is the time. I want for everyone to feel and experience the passion I have for it. No more rules, or confines, I wish to dance everyday like I am alone. When I am in my room though I am alone and the room is empty it becomes so filled with music and movement that someday I swear the seems will burst and it will no longer be able to be contained. who needs technique? I just want to move. I want to feel, I want to dance.