You know when you’re trying to say something, but you don’t really know how to? Well I kind of feel like that right now, so if this doesn’t make sense disregard it. I kind of feel like I’m trying to say the same thing I’ve said before, but I’m trying to say it better, and I’m not quite sure how to do that. Let’s see…. So what’s worse? Hurting someone, or being hurt? Staying safe, or taking a chance? I am constantly being told that I am too timid, and I need to take more chances. In dance for example, my teacher keeps telling me I’m on the verge of being brilliant, but right now I’m too reserved and that I have so much more to give. And when I hit it I can feel it, and it feels amazing, but I never really know quite how to get to that point. Because when I do get there it just happens. I can’t make it happen, I try sometimes, and it doesn’t work. This is part of the reason that I could never do a dance with out music, and also part of the reason I don’t really like dancing that looks like just movement. For me music and movement have to mesh or it doesn’t work. I really cannot just move to music, it has to match. It’s like trying to wear purple wooly socks with a nice pair of high heels and a formal dress, it just isn’t right. Anyways, I feel like the comment of really going for it applies to real life as well. I know if I would only care about my classes I would do so much better. But I’m going to have to say the same for my teachers. If I felt like they really cared about their jobs and really wanted me to do well and expected only the best, then I’m positive I would rise to the occasion. Unfortunately, for the most part most of my teachers couldn’t give a rip if I passed or failed, and 90% of the students I see at school hate school, and because no one expects them to do well, they don’t put in the effort. I know it’s not the teacher’s job to make the student want to learn, but it is their job to teach, and try to stimulate our young minds. And I feel like the majority of my teachers have thrown in the towel and are just counting down the days until summer like the rest of us. I just wish that there was no way to get hurt; physically or emotionally. Then we would have nothing to fear, and no reason not to try, other than sheer laziness. But that’s not the way the world works, there can be two people, one who tries so hard everyday, and will never be great, and the other can be born with all the talent in the world, be lazy, and still be more magnificent than the other will ever be. Explain that to me. And there are so many great people in this world, who will positively be passed by because of one stupid reason or another. This whole spring tide thing really shouldn’t be getting to me, but for some reason it really does. I mean I looked at the court, and there are some very desereving people on, but then there are other people who are on, and I’m sorry but A) I’m taking harder classes than them, and B) I have better grades than them. And just to get on freshman year and sophomore year, and then not junior year when we have the biggest court, and like half of the freaking junior class is on, what the hell? But, guess who picked the court? Three teachers I don’t even know, and Ali and Tim. I’m sorry but you can say all you want that they aren’t holding a grudge, but they totally are. Tim is like a little kid in that regard, last year when I got mad at him for cornering me in the middle of school and yelling at me, instead of appoligizing for what I thought was grossly inappropriate behavior he said that it was just me “being pissy” not even kidding those were his exact words. I’m pretty sure that’s why I didn’t make captain, because, two of the girls who made it over me had little or no studio training and didn’t even do anything. I know this sounds like, oh I’m the best, blah blah blah, but it’s not meant to at all. I’m just telling it how I see it. I was more qualified than two of the girls who made captain, but because of politics I was shafted. And then this year, right after I stopped dance team Ali had said, yeah come learn the try out dance and stuff, but then when they start learning it they don’t even tell me, and I go and talk to Ali and she doesn’t even say anything about it. And they didn’t even ask if I wanted to come to the banquet, which is understandable, but still, I really do think they’re a little bitter that I quit. But above all that I’d like to know why they are qualified to pick the courts, they’re PE teachers, which A) isn’t a real class, and B) juniors don’t even have PE. Then above everything else, even if I didn’t make it, Nicole should have made it hands down! She’s a four point student, taking 3 AP classes. What the hell, but she said that she didn’t know any of the teachers who had picked the courts, so that would explain. But what ever, it’s bullshit! Okay where was I? Ummm… yeah back to pushing yourself, and reaching your potential. That’s not actually what I started out wanting to say, but it was along the same line, and spiraled off into something completely different. What I really wanted to focus on was the whole taking chances thing. Everything in life is a gamble. How do you ever know what is the right choice? And how do you know if a chance is worth taking? Because sometimes when you take chances it turns into a disaster, and I know many a time I have just wished I could take it back, or erase the words that had just come out of my mouth. I think that’s why so many people do crazy stuff when they’re drunk, that way if it doesn’t work out they can just say, hey I was drunk I had no idea what I was doing. I guess it’s kind of a way of making themselves feel safe, because it is like they can take back everything they just said, or did and people accept that. But at the same time, it’s really taking the easy way out, and then there are a lot of question marks if stuff does work out. People sit and wonder, well were they just drunk and crazy or did it mean sometime? Because if we had no fears, and people could just take back the bad and awkward things they say then there would be no reason for people to alter their state of mind. But alas, this is not how the world works. You know the moment you know that sometime really big is going to happen, and you really need to say something and do something, and you get butterflies, and then its like ahh, am I going to do it? Just do it! And everything is going a million miles an hour, and your heart is beating so loud and hard you think it just might explode, and then its like you jump off a bridge, you can’t go back, and you just have to wait for the results. And most of the time right after everything calms down and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. And then after you look back and go wow that really wasn’t a big deal at all. I really hate this feeling, just because its so unsure, and scary. But I really do need to take more risks, maybe jump off a few more bridges.
