There is a way out... right!? (Day 20)

I've come to the realization that commitment scares the hell out of me. Even in little things, if I know there's no way out, I freak out. Like today, I went and got my dress, and I love it, but.... It's so different from what I thought I'd get, or ever even imaged I'd like, that it makes me nervous. Lets just say its a lot of dress to handle, and it makes me nervous that I can't back out now. Because we had to order the color I wanted from a one of their stores down in California, and they said that when you do that the sale is final. When I heard that I freaked out. And now I'm still nervous about it. I think what makes me most nervous is that its just so, A) not what I'm used to and B) it will be different from everyone else... I think. But for me standing out terrifies me. I have no idea why, but all my life I'd rather be ordinary that stand out in a crowd. And now that I have this dress.... that's just so much dress, I'm having a freaking panic attack. On top of all this I know there's no turnning back, which terrifies me. I have always left myself a way out, in everything, and just knowign that I can't turn back on this, and going out on a limb like this....ahhh it's so hard! Like even for little things like, plans for the night, or what I want to do next weekend, it makes me uneasy when things are set in stone and there's no way back, unless I know exactly how things are going to go, and how things will turn out. But this whole unknown commitment thing.... so nerv racking! Even with college there is a second option, like if one college doesn't work out you can always transfer the next year, and there are options. But this whole, there's no finegeling in your decision, it's a lot to handle. I know it sounds crazy that this much anxiety can be cause by picking a dress, but if you only knew, it really is a stressful situation for me. what a weirdo huh? haha

speaking of ass, I just got a face full....(Day 19)

The bare bottomed crusaider strikes again, with full avengence!!! .... gross. Today was such a good day though. I got my report card, and no C's! yes that's right I got a B in english and math,wooo hooo! unfortunantly that will change. After school we all went to taco bell, and I finally got to hang out with Andrew, I never get to see that kid anymore, he's so fun! sadley though, I didn't get to hang out with Megan because she went home, sad. This week has just flown by, it feels like just yesterday it was last Friday, I can't even believe how fast it has gone by. but I'm not complaining, hopefully I'll be able to do some things this weekend, even if its not with friends.

Can you explain it one more time please? (Day 18)

Last night when I got done with my shower I was really warm and relaxed as I usually am, but instead of just getting dressed and going to bed I decided to stretch for about 15 mintues. I think that I'm going to try and start making this a regular rutine. Because even though it's just 15 mintues, 15 minutes every night can make for huge improvements. I'm not very good to sticking with things, so who knows how long this will last, but hopefully it will last for a little while.
Today we really didn't do much, as usual. I find this is the case more and more often in school. In photography I finally got my pictures developed so I was faced with the choice of going and buring and enlarging them, or not doing anything. Seeing as it wasn't my group's turn in the dark room and we had a substitute, I made to obvious choice of spending my time in the student council room talking of survival stories, phobias, bear maullings, and sleeping. Then in psychology we got back our stress journals, and I got extra credit for it, and I was so happy about that. Cuz frankly I was a little annoyed when I saw how much work everyone else had put into their compared to the time I had acctually taken to do mine full out. I had just been thinking when I turned it in how it really wasn't fair if we all got the same grade. And the lesson learned here is that it really does pay to do the right thing. I have seen this demonstraited time and again, so I'm not sure why I even question doing the right thing. Every time I've done the right thing it has really paid off. Like every time I think about skipping class and don't, I am always so happy in the end that I didn't. And when I do bad things, I pay dearly, like getting lunch detention, getting grounded, ect. So it seems like it would be an easy decision between right and wrong. Right= you get somewhere, get something done, wrong= you get in trouble, or just end up wasiting time. But alas, it is never this black and white, because for some reason everytime I have to make this decision it seems like if I did the wrong thing it would come out better. But it never does, jeeze you'd think I'd learn!
There is something that has been bothering me latley, I am so easily influenced by what people say. and that is so hypocritical on my part, becaues I'm always irriateded by other people who do this, and I get mad at them, yet, I do it myself. It seems like I can be really set in something, or think my mind is made up about something, but then all of a sudden someone says something, and a little seed of doubt is planted in my mind. And then all of a sudden it's like a scab that's started to come off, I jsut can't stop picking at it until it comes off and then reveales an open wound. It's so crappy, and really makes me mad. Because deep down I know that it shouldn't matter what other people think or do, but it really does. I can try and just ignore these people, but some how I just can't tune out all the little things I've heard. And it seems like everytime something good comes along, I sit there and analyze it and pick it apart so much that I can't even enjoy it. baaahh!
I have to go to dance now, and thank god this is the one thing that I never over analyze, or pick apart. I always know what the goal is, and feel like I know what's going on. It's a very secure and happy place for me, where I can just clear my mind, and let go.

"Oops I did it again" no wait, accutally this is the first time (day 17)

So apparently Brittany spears is pregnant! It just seems so weird to me that the Pop princess will soon be popping out her own prince or princess. The weirdest part is that even though she's married she just seems really kind of trashy, and sleezy now. This doesn't make any sense. Celebrities have babies all the time, look at Courtney Cocks, and Gwenith Paltrow, and Gweneth wasn't even married when she got pregnant, and yet, she still seems very angelic, and alsost silph like. But Brittany, maybe its just because most of the time I think of her as a teenager, and it's just weird. I don't think she'll make a good mom, shes too young, and her husband sucks. She deffinantly should have stuck with Justin.... Brittany, DOWN GRADE! (makes two thumbs down with big frown.) I honestly can't picture this baby happening, but who knows crazier thigns have happend. And I'm being way unfair, I really don't know her, and she may make a wonderful mom, but I must admit, I'm a little sceptical.
Today we got back our scores on our mock ap english test, and I got a three! and the even better part of that is that most people I talked to last year said they scored a point higher on the real test than they did on the mock, so hopefully that pattern continues with my test. The bad news is that today we also got back our scores on a real math test.... and as predicted I didn't do so hot. But I did get the last two problems completely right, full points, and the test only had like 6 problems, so that's not too bad. I don't know how I'll do on the AP calc test, if I do as well on that test as I do on most of in class tests I'm set with a 5! (to get a 5 you need 60%) But I have a feeling that I may not do that well.... we'll see.
Student council was pretty fun today, we played catch for a while, adn I'm not going to lie, I absolutly suck at catching things. But I'm not quite as bad at throwing them, so it works out...somewhat. And we made posters, patrick and Justin were sitting by me and they both seemed to be having problems with it, it was so funny.
Then after school we went to tai food, and that was good, and alysee was supposed to come but she didn't. And then I came home, and took a nap. then end.

How'd we become so distant?

I have a friend, who I used to be the best of friends with. We did everything together, we got in trouble together, we suffered through guy problems together, and we told eachother everything. She was the absolute coolest person I knew, and I couldn't have asked for a closer friend. Not to say we didn't have our quarels, because we had some doosies, but we always managed to get through it. Well as time went on, she went to a different school and was in different classes than me, and we drifted apart. Then freshman year she came to Glencoe, and I was so excited. At first things were just how they used to be, happy-go-lucky, and it was great.Then things started to change, she started to change, and I suppose I did too. She started making choices that I didn't agree with, and I tried to confront it, but it was to no avail. Over the last year it seems she has been in a downward spiral, getting into all kinds of trouble. Now I just found out that she's been skipping all her classes, and failing them. On top of that she wants to move out, and the craziest part is that her mom is okay with this!!! Then she wants to move in with some guy from work, and she's known him what all of a month!! this is absolutly crazy! I know that if she moves in with this guy there will be no one to tell her to go to school, and get good grades, and not to party too much, and I can just see her flunking out, or just simply dropping out. And the ever scarier part is that I don't know what else she would do, if she'd get into drugs or if she'd be sleeping with this guy, and how does she even know he's a good guy. what if he starts raping her or something??? This whole sittuation is just so bad, and I can't see how moving out will make it any better, I'm really scared for her and her futer. The saddest part is that I feel like I am some what responsible. I feel like if I had kept her close, rather than pushing her away when we started going in different directions she might have been in a different place today. This really made me think about other friends who I've lost touch with, or have fallen by the way side. I get really upset when people do things that are bad for them, and could hurt them, but if you confront people about it, they don't want to hear it. This is also part of my problem, I know if I confront this friend that she won't listen. If she's to the point where she won't even listen to her mom I don't know how I can make her listen. And even if she does listen, she tells me that living with her mom isn't working, and I can't see that getting any better, so if she did stay with her mom I don't know how much that would help. I just don't understand when her life got to the point where it's so bad at home htat she doesn't want to live there. She's not going to be able to live on her own, she can't support herself, she'll have to work 10 times more if she does move out, and I don't see when that would leave time for school, especially since that already seems to be suffering. Ahhh jeeze, I'm just really saddened and scared for her. This is not good at all. I feel really helpless right now too, because she doesnt' really talk to me any more, or answer my calls, and I seroiulsy dont' think even an intervention with all her friends there would help, I honestly think it woudl just piss her off. I duno, maybe it would, I need to think about this.

Same old same old (day 16)

Well for the most part today was okay. Nothing bad happend, and yet nothing really productive or good happend either. In physics we did a lab, then in photography we played "snatch it!" and word ball. Then in 5th period we went to this "diversity" thing. Boring. I think it would have been better had we not sat and watched slides for the first 10 minutes. No kidding, Justin Peterson counted, and we looked at 85 slides, and the guy didn't say a word while we were watching them, he just went and sat down in the corner, and there was no music or anything, so that was kind of boring. And then the rest of the time we spent the time trying to write our names in Persian, and this could have been cool, had it not been so hard that no one could do it. But that's really all we did. Then at lunch we played some more word ball, then on to phsychology, wher we went and sat through another diversity thing. This one wasn't quite as boring, but the lady just talked the whole time, and it was mainly about the holocaust, which is fine, but I've already heard about it, and she didn't really tell me anything I hadn't already heard. And it wasn't like she had survived it or anything, she had just lived in Polland for a while, and then learned a lot about it. Then we went back to the class room, and Mr. Ellis told us that he hadn't been planning for anymore class time, and we had 20 minutes left, so we got to go pick a movie out of his cabinet. Then Josh said that he had some movie called, somebody's and somebody's excellent adventure... or something like that. Anyways, it was kind of funny, but at the same time just an old crappy 80's movie, and right about then I wondered, why the hell did I stay for this class? I could be at home, sleeping, or watching TV, or eating, anything but sitting here. Pointless. People are really getting on my nerves lately, seriously, if I didn't know better I'd think we were in 6th grade. I really can't even stand being around "them" which sucks. ahh well, this too shal pass...

We will now begin our downward ascent, please keep your trays in the up right and locked position (day 15)

That's right, the rest of this grounding should be a breeze, I'm past half way, now I just gotta land this plane.
In other news, today would have been a total wash, a complete waiste of time had it not been for David. All my classes today were pointless, useless crap the teachers use to fill the 45 minutes they have on mondays. Then 7th period, I just wanted to go home, and take a nap when, low and behold, kevin comes in, wanting me. This is never good, the first time he came and got me someone had hit my car, and the second 2 times it was becuase I was getting a referal. So I figured it was bad news, and he told me I had to go out to my car. So I get out there, and I see bright neon pink and yellow/green arrows pointing to the front of my car, and on the windshield it says in big letteres, "U/Me PROM?" then David popped out, in a suit with a flower, and it was oh so cute! And of course I said yes. So.... I'M GOING TO PROM! That totally made the whole day worth while.

Half way point! (day 14)

That's right, this weekend marks the half way point in my grounding, only two more weeks of this and I'M FREE!!! It's going to be pretty crappy though, seeing as everyone else will be ungrounded already, but hey it's all down hill from here right? And truley the week part isn't that bad, it's these weekends that are killer! This weekend has been so boring, for the most part the highlight of it has been getting stuck in traffic and going to the gym. And today I've been cleaning the house, and I'm even doing all the extra parts that are optional, so at least if I have to be stuck here I can make some extra cash. That's the other good thing about being grounded, I haven't spent my money in a whole two weeks! So maybe after I get ungrounded then I'll continue on with this pattern, and be able to save up for things.... probablly not. Tonight promises to be fun filled, I have homework I get to do, and I get to stay home and be with my family! (that was sarcastic, if you couldn't tell) Oh well at least I have school to look forward to tomorrow.